Interconnection & Its Connection With Stoicism

Interconnection & Its Connection With Stoicism

Where we find overlap of ideas across cultures and periods of history, we find truth about human nature. We commonly associate interconnection—the notion that we are all fundamentally connected to each other—with Buddhism or other Eastern philosophical traditions. The ancient Greeks and Stoics, too, had their sympatheia, which they described as a cosmic interconnection shared among all past, present and future life forms. 

 

“Meditate often on the interconnectedness and mutual interdependence of all things in the universe […] all things are mutually woven together and therefore have an affinity for each other.”

– Marcus Aurelius

Interconnection in human experience

 

When we read history and philosophy, we see descriptions of our interconnection as a central component of understanding ourselves, from the ancient Greeks to the Stoics, in Buddhism, Christianity, and virtually all major religions. 

 

In fact, in their study “Shared Virtues: The Convergence of Valued Human Strengths Across Culture and History”, Katherine Dahlsgaard and her colleagues identified six core virtues shared among Buddhism, Christianity, Confucianism, Hinduism, Taoism, and ancient Greek philosophy. Among the six human virtues identified in the study, we find Transcendence, which can be described as the use of compassion, gratitude and hope to experience a larger connection to the universe. 

 

“As a net is made up of a series of ties, so everything in this world is connected by a series of ties. If anyone thinks that the mesh of a net is an independent, isolated thing, he is mistaken. It is called a net because it is made up of a series of interconnected meshes, and each mesh has its place and responsibility in relation to other meshes.”

– Gautama Buddha

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What is interconnection

If religion or philosophy is not your north star, you can also find meaningful discussion of interconnection in science. The phrase “six degrees of separation” is popularly used to describe the theory that any one person is connected to any other person on the planet by only six intermediary contacts. Several studies support the concept, including the Small World Project, which showed empirically that people in the United States are indeed separated by an average of just six contacts. Popular Astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson has eloquently described interconnection in a scientific context countless times throughout his career: 

“We are all connected; To each other, biologically. To the earth, chemically. To the rest of the universe atomically.”

 

Stoicism gets misunderstood

 

When Stoicism is misunderstood, it is often because it is betrayed as a white-knuckled acceptance of all life’s harshness. Just search for the hashtag #Stoicism on Instagram and you’ll likely find imagery of warriors and men carved from stone. While Stoicism does offer an immense utility when it comes to dealing with life’s hardships, it also celebrates life’s natural beauty and wonder. 

 

Stoicism is not just about inner fortitude. It is also a social philosophy, in which the interconnection of all life is integral to understanding oneself. It teaches us to avoid feverish aversion and discard strong attachment to people. 

 

The Stoics inherited and built upon many ideas from the ancient Athenian philosophers like Socrates, Aristotle and Plato. The Stoics would elaborate upon their predecessors’ ideas and create ethical theories, such as oikeiosis. Simply put, oikeiosis describes the idea that we ought to extend kindness to everyone just as we would to our own loved ones. Stoics like Hierocles outlined how we should extend oikeiosis in gradually widening circles, starting with ourselves, moving out through our community, and gradually reaching the outer circles of the human race. 

Memento mori life tracker

Understanding oneself is essential in Stoicism. It’s awfully hard to apply virtues like Justice and Wisdom if you don’t know yourself intimately and honestly. We are so focused inward on our own experiences that we forget to open our eyes to the people around us going through the exact same things. They say reading allows the reader to learn from other people’s experiences and mistakes without actually having to go through them. In this way, recognizing and observing interconnection and shared experience with other people is similar to reading. Other people have, are currently, and will in the future experience the same ups and downs as you. You can learn from this.

 

Emotional interconnection

 

In his book, Stillness Is The Key, Ryan Holiday outlines emotional interconnection. No matter what our background or circumstances, we’ve all known the joy of play or the fear of judgment. The full spectrum of emotions is a shared human experience. Recognizing this brings us closer to one another. Sure, some people are relatively more fortunate than others in economic status or in health. But, it’s important to remember that human experience is relative. One person’s worst day is their worst day, it’s as simple as that. 

 

The Stoics and Buddhists also overlap on the idea that we share a lot of experience with animals. Our sense of exceptionalism only exists in comparison to animals, but this idea doesn’t serve us to be better people. Realizing that we humans are not that different from animals allows us to stay humble and even learn from the nature of the animal kingdom. 

Interconnection in Stoicism

Dr. Rick Hanson, PhD is an expert on positive neuroplasticity, founder of the Wellspring Institute for Neuroscience and Contemplative Wisdom, and a New York Times best-selling author. His book subjects are often a marriage of Buddhist wisdom and neuroscience. He acknowledges the interconnection between humans and animals from both a scientific and a Buddhist perspective in his book Neurodharma: New Science, Ancient Wisdom and Seven Practices of the Highest Happiness:

 

“[…] not surprisingly, the neural hardware that enables our human version of hearing and seeing, learning and wanting, is present in similar forms in the inch-long brain of a squirrel.”

The Earth and stars connect us

 

Interconnection also exists in a physical, non-sentient way. Ryan Holiday also notes in Stillness Is The Key that much like emotional interconnection, we all share a lot of physical connection. He provides the example of the moon. Go outside tonight and look at the moon. It is the same moon that Ghandi or Seneca looked upon before us. It is the same moon that you looked at as a child. The same goes for the air we breathe, the water we drink, and the earth we stand upon—we share them all timelessly. 

 

I have no practical takeaways to leave you with. I simply hope that this helps to rekindle your sense of interconnection with others. One must look outward to truly understand oneself, and we must truly understand ourselves to carry out our designs for a better world. 

 

“We are all strands in a long rope that stretches back countless generations and ties together every person in every country on every continent. We are all thinking and feeling the same things, we are all made of and motivated by the same things; we are all stardust. And no one needs this understanding more than the ambitious or the creative, since they live so much in their own heads and in their own bubble.”

– Ryan Holiday 

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How To Practice The Virtue Of Temperance In Stoicism

How To Practice The Virtue Of Temperance In Stoicism

They say sitting is the new smoking. But how can this be? Our bodies are highly evolved survival machines. We emerged as the dominant species on this planet not in small part because we can run long distances. We can maneuver through and manipulate our environment in sophisticated ways. Surely our bodies can handle sitting in a chair. Of course, the act of resting our asses on a seat is not harmful. It’s only harmful when we sit for eight, ten, even fourteen hours a day. This is excessive. This is the opposite of the virtue of temperance.

 

What is temperance in Stoicism?

 

The ancient Stoics gave us their 4 Stoic Virtues, one of which is temperance. The Stoics describe temperance as moderation and active resistance against anything that is harmful in excess. Essentially, temperance is balance. 

 

I’d like to take a deep dive into the virtue of temperance, because finding balance in life is a central pursuit of this blog. In this article, I’ll attempt to share practical tips and strategies for applying temperance to areas of life that I feel are susceptible to harmful excess: decision making, time management, and work life balance.

 

What did the Stoics say about temperance? 

 

In a passage of Meditations about dealing with other peoples’ shamelessness, Marcus Aurelius wrote: 

 

“What qualities has nature given us to counter that defect? As an antidote to unkindness it gave us kindness. And other qualities to balance other flaws.” 

 

He’s saying that there are always two sides of every coin. Exercising the virtue of temperance can be as simple as looking to the opposite of what’s excessive. Is there too much inactivity in your life because of your office job? The simple antidote is the opposite: exercise. Do you work too hard? The simple antidote is true, mindful rest. 

 

Related article: Ambitious Habit Energy & Finding Rest Anywhere

 

Applying Temperance To Time Management

How to practice the virtue of temperance 

 

Two birds with one stone: practicing temperance with time management

 

Our mortality is both the source of life’s greatest fears and life’s greatest beauty. Our limited time on earth is a defining human characteristic that we all share. We must not squander our time with cheap and frivolous entertainment, nor can we allow the sharp edge of productivity to shave it all away. 

 

This is an incredibly difficult balance to strike—one that requires temperance. 

 

Capitalism is an effective testing and training ground for one’s self-actualization, but we all know there are more important areas of life that cannot be measured by market value: connection with others, quiet time to reflect, creativity without a desired material outcome, etc.

 

One strategy that I use in an attempt to marry my desire to be successful with my desire to live a mindful and healthy life is finding activities that support both goals simultaneously. I used to love playing organized sports, even as an adult. I also used to love lifting weights at the gym. As my work responsibilities grew (less free time) and my cost of living increased suddenly (greater expenses) when I moved to a very expensive city, I had to make changes to mitigate these losses. I also noticed that my office job was creating an imbalance in terms of excessive time spent indoors. I used to run occasionally, but just as a sort of necessary chore of maintaining cardiovascular fitness.

 

Stack habits and behaviors to serve multiple purposes

 

Here, I found myself with the following requirements at the same time: recreational competition, physical exercise, saving money, and more fresh air. So, I decided to become a trail runner to meet all of these needs simultaneously. I realized that by signing up for some tough long-distance trail races, I was creating a fun challenge for myself in a competitive sport, while saving money and gaining more time outdoors by saying goodbye to the gym. 

Memento mori life tracker

The Mindful Stoic blog is another example of this ‘killing two birds’ methodology, albeit one that I had not considered when I started the blog. 

 

The company I work for places a very high value on writing skills. When we have new ideas, we always develop and present them in writing. Although the content and style of writing is very different between this blog and my day job, I am most likely practicing the written word a lot more than my colleagues who don’t own and operate a blog as a hobby. 

 

Also, writing about mindfulness and Stoicism helps me keep these practices top of mind. Writing about these practices not only provides me with a creative outlet, but it’s also helped them really take root in my life. 

 

The ‘killing-two-birds method’ tenets

 

  1. The activity should meet or support multiple needs or objectives at one time. 
  2. The activity must be done for the love of the activity itself. 
  3. If there is a measurable outcome, you should still ‘win’ even if the outcome is not successful.
  4. The activity should allow you to get better at something you can use in other areas of life. 

 

Designing our leisure activities and hobbies in this way allows us to practice temperance when it comes to managing our finite time and balancing ambition with mindful living. 

 

Sure, with enough discipline and habit building, we could spend all of our waking hours working, studying and striving toward some material end. But, there’s more to being human than producing and getting rewarded for it on the market. So, finding healthy hobbies that we truly love doing for the sake of it, but with a little flavor of useful support in other areas of life, is one way to maximize our time. 

Applying Temperance To Decision Making

How to practice the virtue of temperance with decision making 

 

A simple technique for practicing temperance regarding difficult decisions is to quickly identify at least one alternative. For any decision that involves internal conflict, try to think of at least one better alternative early in the process, leaving you with at least two options. 

 

This technique is especially helpful when it comes to cravings or decisions motivated by fatigue or passivity. Here’s a hypothetical situation to help illustrate: after a long day of work, you discover that food in the fridge is in low supply. The idea of going to the nearest fast food restaurant strikes you, but you also know it is not a healthy option. Now is the moment to quickly identify an alternative. You could also go to the grocery store and pick up something quick and easy to prepare. The grocery store option will be cheaper and healthier. 

 

Quickly identifying an alternative does something significant. Instead of allowing your tired mind to wrestle with the sole option of satisfying fast food, your brain now has another outlet. Urges and temptations are most powerful when there are no other options presented, or when the other options don’t satisfy the underlying need. This approach allows us to practice temperance when it comes to all kinds of conflicting decisions. 

 

There is always a middle path

 

Here are a few more examples of identifying alternatives to practice temperance with decision making:

 

I’m incredibly tired today, so exercising is probably not a good idea.

Some stretching or yoga will do the trick.

 

These t-shirts have a buy-2-get-1-free deal.

One is cheaper than two, and I really only need one.

 

I wonder if I should cut carbs entirely from my diet, but I’ve found conflicting research.

Cutting down on carbs by 40-50% is a sensible compromise.

 

I’ve been presented with an interesting investment idea, but I’m worried I’ll lose my money.

Define your risk tolerance, i.e. how much money you can tolerate losing, and invest only that much. 

 

I should eat less sugar.

Make a rule for yourself. Decide that you simply will not eat products with more than 20g of sugar per 100g serving. 

 

The powerful aftereffect that accompanies this technique is that by choosing the more positive alternative, sometimes we gain a second wind and end up snowballing with the good behavior. To take the above exercise example, you may successfully negotiate some stretching rather than sitting on the couch, and you may end up feeling great doing the stretching to the point that you regain the desire to exercise more rigorously. 

At the very least, you will feel good about having done something, leaving you in a better mood and therefore in a better mindset for the following day. To take the above investing example, you have a zero percent chance of profiting by doing nothing, but by taking a calculated risk, you can reap the rewards if there is a positive return and only suffer a tolerable loss if the return is negative. 

Practicing the virtue of temperance with work-life balance

 

Work life balance has become somewhat of a cliché topic. But, an idea only becomes a cliché if it’s repeated in the culture. If it’s repeated in the culture, then there’s undoubtedly some truth or value behind it. Finding balance in all areas of life is a central theme of this blog, and work life balance is certainly a major part of that. 

 

We all know someone who suffers in life because they let fear or plain laziness prevent them from working and they struggle to meet their needs. 

 

Conversely, we all know someone who works too hard and then suffers in their relationships or health. We must practice the virtue of temperance by balancing between excessive work and excessive passivity. 

 

Work is not just about monetary gain, either. When done in correct proportions and environments, work can provide a sense of pride, challenges that lead to personal growth, and some mental stimulus that keeps our brains healthy. 

 

Here are some practices I find helpful for striking a balance between work and mindful living: 

 

Work life balance tenets

 

  1. You must accept the fact that you will never finish. There will always be work left undone at the end of the day. You need to be able to embrace this and shut off at the day’s end. Related article: How To Switch Off After Work.
  2. Be wary of technology and turn it off. My grandfather was an incredibly hard worker. But, he never had to contend with email at any hour in any place. 
  3. Don’t compare yourself to others and don’t place value on working long hours. Strive to be more efficient than your competition and don’t worry if it appears as if you’re working less. 
  4. Out of sight out of mind. Place work related objects in a drawer, closet or separate room at the end of the day. 
  5. Acknowledge that a job that’s 100% enjoyable is practically non-existent. The grass is not always greener on the other side, so always attempt to find the good in what you do, accept and overcome the bad before making major changes. 
  6. Bring structure and organization to your life outside of work. You have project trackers, schedules, and monthly reviews for your work. But, do you have such mechanisms for your family life? We often say ‘I should spend more time with family’, but how often do we apply our organizational and time management skills to ensure that quality time actually happens? Related article: Your Core Values: Turning Good Intentions Into Good Results
  7. Be acutely aware of the distinction between rest and work. When you begin working, say to yourself ‘now I am working’. When you finish work, say to yourself ‘now I am resting’. All too often we transition from work to rest mindlessly, allowing our work energy and stress to follow us when it should be left where it belongs. Mindfulness is incredibly simple yet powerful. 

 

Final thoughts

Temperance, moderation, and balance are elusive. You can find philosophy and religion attempting to guide people to a middle path all throughout history. Any time we see consistency across cultures and throughout history when it comes to ideas, it’s a good indication that the idea is worth exploring. 

 

I’ve attempted here to write practically about practicing the Stoic virtue of temperance with time management, decision making, and work life balance. I chose these three areas because I feel they lend themselves to the magnetism, often created by culture, that pulls us away from the middle path. But, these are not the only areas in which the virtue of temperance is needed. 

Look for any excess in your life and find ways of applying the virtue of temperance to counterbalance it. Take some time to identify these areas of excess, ideally on paper in a journal, and come up with your own strategies and techniques. The world is a chaotic and evolving place to navigate, but the ability to walk a straight line, never losing sight of the middle path, is certainly an advantage that we should afford to ourselves. 

 

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The ancient Stoics emphasized the need to reflect at the end of the day and ask ourselves constructive questions about what went well and what did not. But how can we measure the success of a day? By which criteria are we defining good days and bad days? And since each day constitutes a slice of life itself, how can we extrapolate and scale this assessment to our measures of personal success for life in general? Before you can even begin to reflect on your day like a Stoic, you need to know your measures of success. We’ll discuss different measures of success and provide some practical tips on how to practice Stoic daily reflection. 

 

“Allow not sleep to close your wearied eyes,

Until you have reckoned up each daytime deed:

‘Where did I go wrong? What did I do? And what duty’s left undone?’

From first to last review your acts and then

Reprove yourself for wretched [or cowardly] acts, but rejoice in those done well.”

 

– Epictetus

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Chess pieces with mirror reflection to represent an article on Stoic daily reflection

Traditional measures of success

 

We’re all familiar with traditional measures of success. Job titles, monetary wealth, and happiness are common ones. Are they good measures of success? Perhaps. It depends on your values.

 

This article will focus on a Stoic definition of success, not because it is inherently more important, but because it is inherently less prevalent than traditional definitions of success. 

 

Measuring your personal success by job title or wealth, for example, is baked into modern society. It’s inescapable. If you have a job, then you by default have accountability. You have people and mechanisms in place to hold you accountable and ensure you’re performing to their standards. You have annual performance reviews. The entire capitalist system is designed to reward you based on the perceived value of what you bring to the market. We already spend so much of our lives at work, so let’s not fill our personal time assessing and tracking work-related performance.

 

Who’s there to measure your personal success? Who’s there to keep you accountable for your actions—the steps you take, forward or backward, to uphold what you believe is truly important? The answer is no one but yourself. 

Memento mori life tracker

How do Stoics define success?

 

Stoic definitions of success are unconventional. Stoicism is all about knowing who you are, so that you can act in accordance with your values and ultimately make the world a better place. The 4 Stoic virtues—Justice, Wisdom, Temperance, and Courage—are immensely useful for guiding your actions and informing your values. They have endured as guiding principles for good reason, and you can draw upon them to clarify your decisions  in nearly any situation. But you are unique. You have dreams and aspirations and obligations to juggle. This is why it’s useful to define your own values and learn how to measure them during your Stoic daily reflection. 

 

Measures of success need to be just that: measurable. If you can’t quantify and track it, it’s fairly hard to improve it.

 

Here are some ways to measure your success when you sit down to practice Stoic daily reflection:

  • Hours of quality time spent with family
  • Hours of quality sleep
  • Minutes spent meditating 
  • Number of mindful responses to difficult or frustrating situations
  • Minutes spent exercising 
  • Time spent truly listening to others
  • Number of hugs or other signs of intimacy
  • Number of healthy meals 
  • Instances where you felt fear and acted despite it
  • Number of acts of compassion 
  • Number of pages read (here are some of our favorites books on Stoicism)
Chess piece with reflection on black background

Stoic reflection questions

 

It may not always be feasible or practical to literally track metrics like these. They are useful for creating some accountability for recurring values or behaviors you’d like to display more consistently. But we don’t want to turn our Stoic daily reflection into a mechanical chore of pouring over numbers. The ancient Stoics were writers. Marcus Aurelius’ Meditations was literally his personal journal. It was never meant to be published. 

 

Writing your thoughts down at the end of the day in honest reflection is a powerful tool. Writing has an almost magical ability to turn thoughts into reality. It clarifies your thinking and allows you to review, edit, and plan in a way that thinking without a pen and paper simply does not. 

 

Here are some questions to serve as prompts to help your daily Stoic reflection: 

 

  • Did I act in contradiction to my values? If yes, why? How will I prevent this in the future?
  • Was I honest to others and to myself?  
  • Did I do anything to make the world a better place in any way? 
  • Did I handle obstacles with calm and grace? 
  • What are my plans for tomorrow? What are the potential obstacles that could stand in the way? How can I avoid or prevent those obstacles? Premeditatio malorum
  • Was I able to resist desires and temptations? 
  • Did I have an opportunity to face a fear? How did I respond to this?
  • Did my words promote peace and reconciliation? Were they in harmony with my values?

How do Stoics define success?

 

Any Stoic practice of reflection should end with a gratitude practice. The Stoics had their now-famous phrase Memento mori (Latin for ‘remember you will die’). This is not meant to send you into a downward spiral of morbid despair. Instead, it’s meant to renew your excitement for life today. Remind yourself that this present moment is precious. Make a mental or written list of things you were grateful for today. 

 

Your intention in the morning should be to neglect none of your values. If you can perform at least one positive action in relation to each value, then perhaps that day can be considered a good one. The Stoic practice of daily reflection requires a mid-day check in. Often our days contain distractions and conflicting priorities. It’s important to pause during the day and ask yourself how well you’re upholding your values. This gives you the opportunity to course-correct if things aren’t going well. 

 

Acting in accordance with our true values and Stoic virtues should be integral to our own measure of personal success. Make this easy to remember by boiling down your values into keywords. Use these keywords as memory cues to aid your daily assessment and reflection.

 

Finally, don’t be too hard on yourself. The ultimate goal of Stoicism and Stoic daily reflection is to strengthen yourself so that you can help others. It’s a bit of a cliche, but one worth repeating here: You can’t truly love others unless you love yourself first. You will have unbalanced days. But never give up, for it is the act of striving for greatness and falling short that adds meaning and distinction to life.

 

“It is not by muscle, speed, or physical dexterity that great things are achieved, but by reflection, force of character, and judgment.”

 – Marcus Tullius Cicero

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Calm Superpower: How To Act Calmly In Any Situation

Calm Superpower: How To Act Calmly In Any Situation

It was a clear November day in Dallas. Tires screeched under the force of a heavy car turning too fast. The force of the turns and rapid acceleration was suffocating to Lyndon B. Johnson, who stared at the car floor just centimeters away from his face, with the full weight of a Secret Service agent pressing down on him. The car was racing away from the infamous motorcade seconds after the first shots rang out. It was the afternoon of the Kennedy assassination. It was rare that the President and Vice-President were both outside of Washington at the same time. And it was even more rare that the two were in the same motorcade. The country’s government was particularly vulnerable that day. It would not have been easy to act calmly in conditions like that.

Later, at Parkland Hospital in a hastily repurposed cubicle, Johsnon’s air turned to one that people close to him that day described as ‘calm’, ‘still’ and ‘quiet’. He was confronted with the most critical decisions of his life. Looking back, we know that the shots fired at Kennedy were the only ones aimed at the upper rungs of government that day. But at the time, there was credible reason to believe that Vice-President Johnson would be targeted as well. 

Amid the shock and panic, Secret Service agents attempted to do their jobs and urged Johnson to board a plane immediately to ensure maximum safety. Had he been overwhelmed by the moment, he might have accepted this logical advice. However, Johnson had the presence to think not of himself, but of Mrs. Kennedy. He rejected the plan and decided that he would not leave Dallas without the First Lady and the President’s body. 

Act calmly and command complexity

Under a screen of secrecy, Johnson’s party was about to make its exit from the hospital when he was forced to make another difficult decision. He was asked if the press should be informed of the President’s death. Without hesitation, he replied to the enquiring aide: “No. I think I had better get out of here and get back to the plane before you announce it. We don’t know whether this is a worldwide conspiracy, whether they are after me as well. . . . We just don’t know.” 

Still just hours after the traumatic event, now aboard Air Force One, Johnson coordinated the swearing of the oath for him to assume the Presidency. This was a complicated procedure, seeped in ambiguity, but one that was of primary importance and urgency. It was paramount that he showed the world continuity and legitimacy in the country’s highest office. Again, those who were on the plane later noted his calm and ability to command a complex situation with clarity. After having been in the range of bullets and then evacuated via high-speed getaway, Johnson had to find his compassion but also his command and calm. Just hours after the horrific catalyst that day, he came to terms with the fact that the President had died, which meant that he was now the Commander in Chief, and still managed to coordinate several complicated matters simultaneously.

 

How to act calmly

This is an extreme example that we can view through a retrospective lens to observe the importance of remaining calm under pressure. It is unlikely that Johnson experienced a state of internal calm during the tense and uncertain hours following Kennedy’s assassination. What history remembers, and what is important, is that he was able to act calmly.

Guidance from science and experience

I hope for this article to serve two purposes. I want to clarify that calmness can be cultivated despite the situation and despite your temperament. With practice, anyone can be calm in any situation, which is why the second aim of this article is to provide guidance on how to be calm in any situation. 

Let’s look at some tips, methods and guidance you can deploy to keep yourself engaged with stressors while performing calmly. The first comes from hard science, while the others come from experience.

Dr. Andrew Huberman is a professor of neurobiology and ophthalmology at Stanford University School of Medicine. His laboratory studies neural regeneration, neuroplasticity, and brain states such as stress, focus, fear, and optimal performance. He has a podcast and YouTube channel, where he strikes an excellent balance between the hard science of performance, without going too far over the heads of a generalized audience. 

I find that Huberman’s content is no-nonsense and highly trustworthy because he is a scientist above all else in search of the truth. Here’s a summary of what he has to say about being calm in any situation. 

The science of how to act calmly

Telling yourself to calm down does not work. In fact, it tends to exacerbate stress. The best thing you can do to reduce the severity of the stress response is activate the parasympathetic nervous system. According to Huberman, the fastest way to self-direct physiological calm is called the physiological sigh. We activate our respiratory systems involuntarily to reduce stress—in claustrophobic situations, for example—but we forget that we can also activate these systems voluntarily. The physiological sigh consists of one medium-to-long breath in, followed succinctly by one more short breath in, followed by a final long exhale.

Memento mori life tracker

Huberman explains and demonstrates this technique much more aptly than I can in the following short clip

This is an incredibly powerful tool because we can deploy it in real time. Mindfulness, yoga, meditation and other so-called Non-Sleep Deep Rest (NSDR) tools are excellent for the overall reduction of baseline stress. However, you cannot always perform those things on the spot. Things like gratitude have been shown to have a calming effect, but if you’re suddenly called upon in the real world to perform a task that scares you, there is no time to list twenty things for which you’re grateful. However, you can take a few seconds to do the physiological sigh without anyone noticing, and it will have the desired calming effect on your performance. 

Practical tips to help you act calmly

Although in some cases they are not supported by rigorous scientific research, I would still like to share with you some of my own personal tips for remaining calm in stressful situations. I work in online marketing for arguably the largest company in the world, so I have had the privilege to test these ‘how to stay calm’ tips against some fairly intense and stressful situations.

Prioritize relentlessly — if you’re operating in a dynamic or ever-evolving environment, it is crucially important to always know your top priority. This gives you singular focus from moment to moment, because the item at the top of the list is your sole concern. This also helps manage distractions, interruptions and changes to your plans. When something unexpected bubbles up, don’t let it derail your focus. Instead, write it down, ‘park’ it in a ‘to-be-captured’ area of your planner. Personally, I find it useful to examine my to-do list and the newly added items in my ‘to-be-captured’ section and re-order them based on the most current situation several times a day.

How to act calmly, how to be calm

Slow down, dramatically

Speak and move slowly — slowing your speech down just a bit is never a bad idea. It has a calming effect on yourself and your audience, it allows you to enunciate, and generally allows for more thoughtful communication. The same goes for movement. Slowing down your movement will result in fewer errors and a sense of calm and control. I recommend finding an introductory task and doing it incredibly slowly to set the tone for the subsequent tasks. For me, an introductory task that I perform ultra-slowly is entering my laptop’s login password. I am required to do this several times a day before I engage with more meaningful activity. Typing the password slowly allows me to set the pace and remind myself not to rush. 

Perspective — in particularly stressful situations, it can be useful to remind yourself of the bigger picture. Remind yourself of your ultimate, macro goals. Recalling that you work to support your family and not for the micro goals laid out for you today can have a grounding effect.

Compassion for focus

Serve others — interruptions are only distressful if we fail to realize that they are an opportunity to help someone. Usually interruptions or requests are opportunities to practice compassion. Shifting the focus from yourself to the service of your teammates or family members can broaden your perspective. It can serve as a reminder that being a good person is more important than ticking the box on every action item of the day. Plus, quite often, being of genuine and kind service to others makes you more indispensable. 

Breathe — if something stressful hits you out of the blue, and acting calmly will help you overcome it, go ahead and try the physiological sigh described above. This is a rapid calming method, but you can also try to use conscious breath throughout the day to maintain a calm baseline state. There’s never a bad time for a deep breath. We have written several pieces on meditation, rest, and breathing if you’d like to read more about these tools. 

No need to banish stress. Just act calmly

In stressful situations, it will never be possible to be fully calm. As was hopefully illustrated by the opening anecdote of Johnson’s transition from high-speed getaway to swearing in as President of the United States with just a few hours separating the two events, it’s more important to act calmly than to feel calm internally. We evolved a stress response for imperative reasons. We would not survive without feeling stress so it’s a good idea to remind yourself occasionally that stress is normal and necessary.

 

Just remember what is within your control and what is not. We can reach varying degrees of baseline calm through scheduled, medium-to-long term practices such as meditation. We can also leverage breathing techniques like the physiological sigh to rapidly lower our heart rate to tackle unexpected stressors as they arise. Perspective, planning and even compassion are equally excellent ways to navigate life with a calm baseline demeanor. A bit like a fairly common epithet that states ‘feel the fear and do it anyway’, I would like to propose my own in accordance with the theme of this article: ‘feel the pressure and act calmly’.

 

Sources

 

The Transition: Lyndon Johnson and the events in Dallas by Robert A. Caro. March 26, 2012

https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2012/04/02/the-transition

 

Tools For Managing Stress & Anxiety: Huberman Lab Podcast #10

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ntfcfJ28eiU

 

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How To Manage Expectations About Life

How To Manage Expectations About Life

Are you where you want to be in life today? Does your bar for success and happiness continue to rise just a bit further out of reach with each passing year? We all love to ‘should on ourselves’. We all wrestle with expectations; whether it’s in comparison with distant daydreams, current projects, or the digital masterpiece of other people’s lives as presented on social media. There are cultural expectations like marital status and raising a family. There are economic ones like the magnetic pull to earn more money or to own a home. Even when we earn a decent living, we want more. Happiness is perhaps the most elusive of pursuits that falls into our scope of expectation. So how do we manage expectations about life? Everything is relative, but if you don’t know where you’ve placed your bar, you don’t know how high you need to jump.

 

We’ll explore ideas like the notion that happiness is a lousy thing to chase. We’ll examine the effect that social media is having on our sense of self-worth. If you’re like me, you have dozens of little ‘shoulds’ running around your head all the time. Don’t worry; we’ll examine that, too. Believing you can improve your position is a good thing. We just need to learn how to harness the guiding potential of those shoulds. This is something I will attempt to lay out clearly in the form of a practical exercise. Through all of this, we’ll embed everything about how to manage expectations about life in the bedrock of the present moment. Being here, now, mindfully is the most potent way to quell not only comparative anxiety but also to get to where you want to go more effectively. 

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Manage expectations

Manage expectations specifically 

 

Imagine if your boss came to you and asked you about your future salary expectations and you gave the following one-dimensional answer: ‘more’. It’s not very specific, to say the least, and it would likely result in a short and unproductive conversation. In this context, we see that being unspecific about important things is ridiculous. Yet we do this constantly with the notion of happiness. We know we want it, but we can rarely define it in concrete terms. The best way to get a grasp on what happiness means to you is to work it out on paper. Take your time, adjust it as you evolve as a person, but most importantly, break the concept of happiness down into specific and measurable elements.

 

Try this brainstorming exercise to help you define happiness more specifically. Grab a pen and paper and do a flowing brain dump of the things that make you feel happy. Here’s what that looked like for me: family, freedom, the right amount of challenge, adventure, cats, friendship, good food.

Memento mori life tracker

A practical exercise to help manage expectations

 

Now that you have a list of broad elements, elaborate on each one with simple “When I can…” statements. These statements should describe the condition upon which you enable the associated feeling of happiness. For example, “when I can fly to see my family three times a year, I feel happy”. Similarly, “when I have enough money to pay for new education to secure a career change, I feel a sense of freedom”. The critical part of this elaboration exercise is that it takes an abstract concept like freedom and specifies it into something measurable. I can measure how much money it costs and how much vacation time I need to visit my family three times a year. I can measure how much it will cost to attend a certain educational program and how much savings I would need to sustain myself during the program.

 

If you’ve not already paused to try this simple exercise on paper, I encourage you to do it now. If you have, you may be thinking ‘this is overwhelming because I’m so far off from some of my ‘when I can conditions’. I hear you. I’m far from achieving some of my own happiness conditions as well. However, the empowering feature of this exercise is not to realize that we’ve made it and the work is done. The purpose of the exercise is to have a more specific answer than ‘more’ when it comes to managing expectations. There’s nothing worse than chasing an undefined ‘more’. When we sit down and calculate what we need in order to align our current reality with our expectations, we can work towards them more effectively. If we can measure it, we can solve it.  

Gratitude and awareness of the present moment are the bedrock

We’ve established that working toward something specific is better than entering the rat race blindfolded. But this still doesn’t solve the sense of relative inferiority or failure, because striving implies that we are not there yet. The means of relaxing this tension between where you are now and where you want to be is by grounding yourself in the present moment and constantly taking stock of everything in your life that inspires gratitude. A major theme of The Mindful Stoic blog is that striving and contentment can coexist. Admittedly, there is an inherent tension between wanting more and being more, but I believe it can be a healthy one. 

 

Planning is such a crucial element when it comes to striking this balance between expectation and reality.

“If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading.” – Lao Tzu

Manage expectations for life

Once you’ve established the measurable elements that enable conditions for happiness, the next step is to draft plans that will help you get there. If you are not making enough money, you may need an intelligent and realistic plan for a career change or a side hustle. If you need companionship, you need a plan to expose yourself to more valuable social situations, such as special interest clubs or sports. 

 

Plans change

 

There are two critical aspects to consider when drafting plans. First, they must be in written format and they must contain time-bound actions. Include in your plans realistic and achievable actions that are likely to move you closer to your goals and set dates by which you must complete them. Secondly, plans change. Set reminders in your calendar, perhaps twice a year, to revisit your plans. You evolve and grow as a person. Your expectations and goals may change depending on life circumstances. Abandoning a plan or goal because it is no longer relevant is much more productive than sticking to it for discipline’s sake. The idea here, again, is to bring structure to how you manage expectations about life.  

 

The final point I would like to make about how to manage expectations more effectively is to stop comparing yourself to others. We see more communication (recently with documentary films such as The Social Dilemma) on the fact that social media has amplified comparative anxiety. There is the organic factor embedded in the fact that we all tend to present only the best versions of ourselves on social media. We only post pictures and stories about our exotic vacations, our expensive nights out, or our disciplined workout routines. We know people do this, yet it has the effect when scrolling through our feeds that leads to the subconscious conclusion that everyone else is amazing all the time. 

 

Then, there is the artificial intelligence factor, which we don’t fully understand. Social media companies invest billions of dollars and use intimate information about us to feed algorithms designed to keep us scrolling.

Be specific in your comparisons 

 

The Stoics and many Eastern philosophers prescribed that we should not compare ourselves to others but that we compare ourselves to ourselves. 

 

“The only one you should compare yourself to is you. Your mission is to become better today than you were yesterday.” – John C. Maxwell

 

This is more than a simple epithet. When you break it down and think about it, the only logical reference point for improvement is your past performance. If I am training for a marathon, I cannot fixate on the previous times of other competitors in my area. Perhaps they are much taller than I am, have been doing it for much longer, or perhaps even had been taking performance-enhancing drugs.

Moreover, I have no insight into their training regimen and therefore no actual data on the process by which they transformed themselves from a non-marathon runner into a marathon runner. Conversely, I do have all the data on my own progress. I can measure how far I ran yesterday or last week. Again, the idea here is to be specific and measurable. The only way you can assess your performance with the highest quality of data is if that data comes from your life. 

 

Learning how to manage expectations for yourself is a win-win situation. We know that living far below your ideals causes psychological distress. It is equally true that having undefined or needlessly increasing expectations traps us on a hamster wheel. It is therefore well worth our time to sit down and figure out exactly what we need to feel fulfilled. Even if we fall short in this pursuit, we will be better off than if we had not attempted. 

Embrace the tension

Try the above-mentioned exercise to break down and analyze the conditions that will promote what you define as happiness. Make sure that these conditions are measurable and then draft a plan to guide you. Stay away from social media or at least be honest with yourself that it can lead to inevitable and unhealthy comparisons to others. 

 

The preeminent point I will make to conclude this post is that you need to enjoy the process. Mindfulness is the most effective way of working toward a future condition while enjoying the present moment. Coupled with a lighthearted enjoyment of the process, we should take stock of everything for which we are grateful at least once a day. Manifesting gratitude is the best way to realize how far we’ve come. If we always have our heads buried in the sand working towards ‘more’, we fail to realize our past and current success. This is crucial because not only do you gain a great sense of contentment and satisfaction from the current state of our lives, but also you receive important feedback to let you know if you’re on the right path.

 

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