Years ago, a good friend told me that having kids is the best way to renew your life. He had taken holidays in many different countries. He had eaten in loads of great restaurants. He was really good at his job. But, nothing was thrilling anymore. Experientially, he had plateaued.
He explained that having a kid made everything feel new and exciting again. Suddenly, going to the beach was an adventure. Playing with toys was fun again. He remembered the value of stories. This renewed perspective was all possible because he was living vicariously, and in the present moment, through his son. This stuck with me as perhaps the greatest reason to have kids.
The same friend also gave me the most convincing argument for not having kids: ‘Your life as you know it will be over,’ he warned me.
I can now say that he was right about both things. At the time of writing, I’m still a very new dad. My first child was born only fifty days ago. It was, and is, the most joyful thing that’s ever happened to me. When I hold my son in my arms, the world stands still, and the only thing that matters is his health, happiness, and peace.
Being a new dad is also the most difficult thing I’ve ever done.
I’ve been practicing Stoicism seriously for about six years. The Stoics taught us to be grateful for life’s challenges, because if not for challenges, what’s the point of practicing philosophy in the first place? Plus, challenges serve as tests. The tough times tell us how far we’ve come in our practice and what we need to improve.
6 Stoic parenting practices
I’ll share 6 Stoic parenting practices that have helped me immensely in early fatherhood. If you’re not a parent, I think you’ll still find that these Stoic parenting lessons apply to all kinds of life challenges.
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There can only be one priority
When you think about it, the plural form of the word ‘priority’ is absurd. Priority means the most important thing. How can there be more than one most important thing? The answer is there can’t be. Having a child has made this abundantly clear for me. I still have goals, ambitions, and projects, but they do not conflict with my lone priority, which is my family. If I happen to find a quiet hour to myself for work, then that’s just a bonus. We would all benefit from clearly defining that one most important thing in our lives.
Anticipate that things will go wrong
Negative visualization, also known by the Latin phrase premeditatio malorum, is a concept in Stoicism that teaches us to look around corners for what could go wrong. In business, they would call this risk assessment and mitigation. The mitigation is the point here. We don’t imagine what could go wrong as some morbid exercise to train up our anxiety. Rather, we do it to promote preparedness.
When we enter into a difficult situation knowing that certain things may go wrong, two things happen. First, we may be able to prevent those bad things from happening. Then, if they do happen, we won’t be taken by surprise.
I’ve been applying this lately by understanding that the baby will likely cry at the very moment I’m about to fall into much needed sleep. I know to be ready with contingency diapers at all times. On a more serious level, I know exactly which numbers to call and where to go if my son gets sick or if there’s an emergency.
Related article: Premeditatio Malorum: A Practice For Resilience
Stoic parenting: You need to be the example
Although my son is still an infant, it’s already clear that he’s observing me. He’s absorbing my every move.
Epictetus said, “Don’t explain your philosophy. Embody it.”
Despite the lack of sleep and free time, I’m still making an immense effort to exercise. I still find time to meditate—even if for just five minutes. It’s imperative that I cook healthy meals for my wife and myself. I cannot lose any ground on being a strong, healthy person, because I need to be one for my son. I need to be the example for him. Stoic parenting means exemplifying the behaviours you want to instill in your children.
Stoic parenting and the love of fate
Amor fati is another Latin phrase that comes up in Stoic literature. It means ‘the love of fate.’ The operative word here is ‘love’. It’s not a begrudging acceptance, but an enthusiastic embrace of the unknown—of the uncontrollable and the wondrous.
Having a baby has re-emphasized this for me because making plans has become nearly impossible. As a fairly structured, organized person, this has been a hard adjustment for me. But, I’m learning to go with the flow and accept that the day will unfold the way it’s meant to unfold. As long as I’m taking care of my single priority, the order in which events unfold is not important.
Being a new dad has also forced me to embrace the unknown on really important matters. Where are we going to live in five years? How will we pay for this or that? How are we going to visit the grandparents (given that we’re all living on three different continents)? I don’t know the answers to these questions. I don’t want to know the answers. I will focus on the process, remain in the present moment as much as possible, and will gladly welcome the various twists and turns of life.
Related article: How To Practice Amor Fati
Keep your eyes on the ship
One of my favorite passages from Epictetus’ The Manual is one where he describes sailors going ashore on a break from their duties. Epictetus says that the men should enjoy searching for beautiful seashells and strolling leisurely on the beach, but only if they keep the ship within their view. The ship may call them back at any moment, so they should be ready at all times.
This teaches us to enjoy our times of rest. We can and should indulge in activities that don’t have a desired outcome. The key is to be ready to be called upon. Also, we can take refuge in the understanding that we’re resting so we can be better when duty calls.
Have fewer desires
Aside from the lack of sleep, taking care of an infant or child is not actually that difficult. You just need a little mindful awareness and a lot of love. It’s not particularly complicated or strenuous. It gets stressful when you’d rather be doing something else. Soothing a crying baby can be a wonderful exercise in compassion when your singular focus is to soothe the baby. However, taking care of a crying baby when you’d rather be sleeping, eating, or working, is when things get stressful.
Stoicism and Buddhism both emphasize the need to reduce our desires. The fewer conditions that you require to be happy, the more easily and often you will find happiness.
“The faculty of desire purports to aim at securing what you want… If you fail in your desire, you are unfortunate, if you experience what you would rather avoid, you are unhappy… For desire, suspend it completely for now.”
– Epictetus
Related article: Desirelessness Is Happiness: 7 Practices To Stop Grasping
Final thoughts
My friend was right. The life I was living before having a child is effectively over. But, with change comes freshness. Once we have the tools and practices to navigate change, we can see the good in it. Sure, change means uncertainty, anxiety, and looking like a fool at times. But, change also means growth. It means evolution.
Stoicism helps us develop the moral character required to live in accordance with our values and virtues. This is true for both our routines and the inevitable twists life throws at us. This has been an article about my early reflections on Stoic parenting, but really, the lessons I’ve shared are about dealing with the ebbs and flows of life.