Years ago, a good friend told me that having kids is the best way to renew your life. He had taken holidays in many different countries. He had eaten in loads of great restaurants. He was really good at his job. But, nothing was thrilling anymore. Experientially, he had plateaued. 

He explained that having a kid made everything feel new and exciting again. Suddenly, going to the beach was an adventure. Playing with toys was fun again. He remembered the value of stories. This renewed perspective was all possible because he was living vicariously, and in the present moment, through his son. This stuck with me as perhaps the greatest reason to have kids. 

The same friend also gave me the most convincing argument for not having kids: ‘Your life as you know it will be over,’ he warned me. 

I can now say that he was right about both things. At the time of writing, I’m still a very new dad. My first child was born only fifty days ago. It was, and is, the most joyful thing that’s ever happened to me. When I hold my son in my arms, the world stands still, and the only thing that matters is his health, happiness, and peace.

Being a new dad is also the most difficult thing I’ve ever done.

I’ve been practicing Stoicism seriously for about six years. The Stoics taught us to be grateful for life’s challenges, because if not for challenges, what’s the point of practicing philosophy in the first place? Plus, challenges serve as tests. The tough times tell us how far we’ve come in our practice and what we need to improve. 

6 Stoic parenting practices

I’ll share 6 Stoic parenting practices that have helped me immensely in early fatherhood. If you’re not a parent, I think you’ll still find that these Stoic parenting lessons apply to all kinds of life challenges.

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There can only be one priority

When you think about it, the plural form of the word ‘priority’ is absurd. Priority means the most important thing. How can there be more than one most important thing? The answer is there can’t be. Having a child has made this abundantly clear for me. I still have goals, ambitions, and projects, but they do not conflict with my lone priority, which is my family. If I happen to find a quiet hour to myself for work, then that’s just a bonus. We would all benefit from clearly defining that one most important thing in our lives.

Anticipate that things will go wrong

Negative visualization, also known by the Latin phrase premeditatio malorum, is a concept in Stoicism that teaches us to look around corners for what could go wrong. In business, they would call this risk assessment and mitigation. The mitigation is the point here. We don’t imagine what could go wrong as some morbid exercise to train up our anxiety. Rather, we do it to promote preparedness. 

When we enter into a difficult situation knowing that certain things may go wrong, two things happen. First, we may be able to prevent those bad things from happening. Then, if they do happen, we won’t be taken by surprise. 

I’ve been applying this lately by understanding that the baby will likely cry at the very moment I’m about to fall into much needed sleep. I know to be ready with contingency diapers at all times. On a more serious level, I know exactly which numbers to call and where to go if my son gets sick or if there’s an emergency.

Related article: Premeditatio Malorum: A Practice For Resilience 

Stoic parenting: You need to be the example

Although my son is still an infant, it’s already clear that he’s observing me. He’s absorbing my every move. 

Epictetus said, “Don’t explain your philosophy. Embody it.” 

Despite the lack of sleep and free time, I’m still making an immense effort to exercise. I still find time to meditate—even if for just five minutes. It’s imperative that I cook healthy meals for my wife and myself. I cannot lose any ground on being a strong, healthy person, because I need to be one for my son. I need to be the example for him. Stoic parenting means exemplifying the behaviours you want to instill in your children.

Stoic parenting and the love of fate

Amor fati is another Latin phrase that comes up in Stoic literature. It means ‘the love of fate.’ The operative word here is ‘love’. It’s not a begrudging acceptance, but an enthusiastic embrace of the unknown—of the uncontrollable and the wondrous. 

Having a baby has re-emphasized this for me because making plans has become nearly impossible. As a fairly structured, organized person, this has been a hard adjustment for me. But, I’m learning to go with the flow and accept that the day will unfold the way it’s meant to unfold. As long as I’m taking care of my single priority, the order in which events unfold is not important. 

Being a new dad has also forced me to embrace the unknown on really important matters. Where are we going to live in five years? How will we pay for this or that? How are we going to visit the grandparents (given that we’re all living on three different continents)? I don’t know the answers to these questions. I don’t want to know the answers. I will focus on the process, remain in the present moment as much as possible, and will gladly welcome the various twists and turns of life. 

Related article: How To Practice Amor Fati

Keep your eyes on the ship

One of my favorite passages from Epictetus’ The Manual is one where he describes sailors going ashore on a break from their duties. Epictetus says that the men should enjoy searching for beautiful seashells and strolling leisurely on the beach, but only if they keep the ship within their view. The ship may call them back at any moment, so they should be ready at all times. 

This teaches us to enjoy our times of rest. We can and should indulge in activities that don’t have a desired outcome. The key is to be ready to be called upon. Also, we can take refuge in the understanding that we’re resting so we can be better when duty calls. 

Have fewer desires

Aside from the lack of sleep, taking care of an infant or child is not actually that difficult. You just need a little mindful awareness and a lot of love. It’s not particularly complicated or strenuous. It gets stressful when you’d rather be doing something else. Soothing a crying baby can be a wonderful exercise in compassion when your singular focus is to soothe the baby. However, taking care of a crying baby when you’d rather be sleeping, eating, or working, is when things get stressful. 

Stoicism and Buddhism both emphasize the need to reduce our desires. The fewer conditions that you require to be happy, the more easily and often you will find happiness. 

“The faculty of desire purports to aim at securing what you want… If you fail in your desire, you are unfortunate, if you experience what you would rather avoid, you are unhappy… For desire, suspend it completely for now.” 

– Epictetus 

Related article: Desirelessness Is Happiness: 7 Practices To Stop Grasping

Final thoughts

My friend was right. The life I was living before having a child is effectively over. But, with change comes freshness. Once we have the tools and practices to navigate change, we can see the good in it. Sure, change means uncertainty, anxiety, and looking like a fool at times. But, change also means growth. It means evolution. 

Stoicism helps us develop the moral character required to live in accordance with our values and virtues. This is true for both our routines and the inevitable twists life throws at us. This has been an article about my early reflections on Stoic parenting, but really, the lessons I’ve shared are about dealing with the ebbs and flows of life. 

Let’s paint a picture. Imagine drops of water landing on a lotus leaf and sliding down and off. The drop doesn’t linger. It makes its impact and then flows with gravity until it is gone. The lotus leaf is aware of the drop—it feels it—but it does not reject, retain, or struggle. It is undisturbed. This is a picture of the Stoic concept of ataraxia.

Just like the lotus leaf, we all have the capacity to let negative reactions and excessive desire roll off our backs. 

In this article, we’ll provide a definition of ataraxia as it relates to Stoicism and share practices for achieving ataraxia by breaking it down to its core components: composure, steadiness, ego, and quietude. 

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What is ataraxia?

Ataraxia in Stoicism and other Hellenistic philosophies such as Epicureanism is a state of composure characterized by lack of distress and outward displays of strong emotion, especially in difficult situations. Essentially, ataraxia is equanimity.

Achieving ataraxia was never the primary objective of Stoicism. That coveted pinnacle is to live in accordance with nature through developing strong moral character. Ataraxia was seen as a by-product of one’s pursuit of moral character. 

Imperturbability is another word that’s closely related to ataraxia. More simply, ataraxia is a state of non-reaction. It is not a denial of feelings. We feel what the world throws at us, both the good and the bad, but we don’t react or at least don’t overreact. Ataraxia is commonly associated with calm, but calm is just how ataraxia appears to the observer. With ataraxia, we let go of troubles, sadness, or anger quickly and calmly. So ataraxia means that we feel the ups and downs of life, we can get upset, we can have plans and preferences, but we let go of charged emotions or intense cravings in a timely manner.

How Stoics achieve ataraxia 

In his book, Stillness Is The Key, Ryan Holiday speaks of what it means to achieve ataraxia: 

“To be steady while the world spins around you. To act without frenzy. To hear only what needs to be heard. To possess quietude—exterior and interior—on command.” 

If we were to break this definition of ataraxia down to its most fundamental components, we’d be left with a useful framework for achieving ataraxia in our own lives. These components are composure, steadiness, ego, and quietude.

Composure as a component of ataraxia

To be composed amid chaos is to be grounded. Think of a pebble tossed into a raging river. Engulfed in the force of rushing water, it sinks effortlessly to its destination where it will remain still as the water flows overhead. 

To build the habit of composed behavior in stressful situations, the first practical step is to stop. The next time you find yourself being swept along by emotions or events, simply pause. All it takes to drastically change your response is five seconds during which you do nothing but breathe.

Then, after you’ve mastered the ability to pause, which ultimately reminds you of your intention to handle the situation with composure and provides a more relaxed physiological response, you can begin to leverage other practices of Stoicism to help you navigate the complexity. You can practice negative visualization to anticipate and mitigate risk. You can use The Dichotomy of Control to identify what is within and what is outside of your control. Find guidance by recalling the Four Stoic Virtues. 

The first step to practice is the pause. 

Steadiness as a component of ataraxia

It’s not sexy advice, but to practice steadiness and to ultimately cultivate ataraxia is to slow down. Doing anything even just five percent slower makes your actions more deliberate and precise. Start practicing this with simple things like preparing a meal. Once your default state is a little bit slower, you’ll speak with more purpose in meetings, your writing will be clearer, and you’ll be more caring with those you love. 

Another aspect of steadiness is consistency. Whether it’s your desire to achieve ataraxia or your Stoicism practice in general, you will falter at times. You will have lazy and undisciplined moments. You will make mistakes. The key is to reset yourself on the path as quickly as possible. Keep the intervals between lapses in discipline as short as possible, and show up for yourself every day.

Ego as a component of ataraxia

I read a lot about Buddhism, and in no small part because I’m motivated to learn more about the concept of non-self. There are even science-based arguments that suggest that our concept of self is often unreliable, false, and largely repetitive. 

Non-self is very difficult to grasp and it takes a lot of practice. But, we can take some steps towards healthier levels of attachment to the concept of ‘me’. 

First, we need to acknowledge that our sense of self is composed of beliefs. These beliefs are fluid and constantly changing. So, when someone insults or criticizes me, I shouldn’t feel that it’s an attack on the entirety of my being. At most, it’s just someone’s belief that opposes a belief I hold about myself. When someone calls you lazy, don’t feel injured at the level of your whole self. It’s nothing more than a challenge to your belief about your work-ethic. 

Another aspect of imperturbability of the ego is believing that you are whole. There is nothing anyone could add to your existence that would make it better or worse. There is nothing anyone could subtract from your existence that would make it better or worse. Be at peace with yourself. Love yourself. Don’t rely on external conditions to be happy.

Quietude as a component of ataraxia

The most practical way to develop ataraxia is to focus on your thoughts and your speech. 

There’s a lot of debate on the validity of certain claims about how neuro linguistic programming can positively affect mood and behavior. Basically, some say that the more positive your self-talk is, the better you’ll feel and behave. 

Intuitively, I can see how this could be true. Also, I can’t see a downside to attempting to foster positive thoughts in place of negative ones. Be confident in your self-talk. Don’t beat yourself up over mistakes. Try to observe how repetitive your negative self-talk is. The mind likes to play the hits. In a way, this means that negative self-talk—all that doubting, self-limiting, and worrying internal banter—is quite boring and meaningless. Try to plant the seeds of positivity with your thoughts. 

With our speech, we can embrace frugality and purpose. It’s OK to be the quietest person in the room. Saying less leaves more room for listening. You can learn so much more from listening than by speaking. In heated interpersonal matters, practice the pause we spoke about earlier. Take a moment to recall your intention. Is your ultimate goal in this situation to make a point? Or is your goal to maintain a healthy relationship? If it’s someone you care about, I suspect it’s the latter, so maybe don’t make that point—don’t be right. Instead, let your speech reflect empathy and promote reconciliation. 

Final thoughts 

When we hear a concept with a Greek name like ataraxia, it can seem a bit foreign and irrelevant. But, when we define the concept and break it down into smaller, actionable components, it becomes easier to grasp. Ataraxia is equanimity, imperturbability, and being unshakable. Resilience is part of it, too, because Stoics are not robots. We have emotions, desires, and preferences, but we strive to harmonize our speech and actions with our values. This means pausing to think. Then, when we do act or speak, we use forethought and deliberation. Finally, we are not so easily hurt by the words of others because we are not inflexibly attached to the notion of self. 

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