Performance Blog - The Mindful Stoic

Where Buddhism And Modern Psychology Converge On Mental Wellness

May 12, 2024 | Performance

When the average non-Buddhist westerner thinks of Buddhism, they often think of meditation, kindness, and monks with shaved heads in orange robes. But what lies beneath these surface-level artifacts is profound understanding. Few wisdom traditions have delivered as much insight into the nature of the human mind as Buddhism. It’s impossible to know how much of the Buddha’s teachings were actually uttered by him, because they have been debated, refined, and adapted over the centuries. What remains today is a body of practical insight into the human condition. To say that Buddhism and modern psychology go hand-in-hand would be an overstatement. Modern science has, however, corroborated several core Buddhist teachings. Let’s unpack some of the areas in which Buddhism and modern psychology converge. I hope that among the factoids and findings, you’ll extract some value from this article, as it is also written with practical mental well-being protocols in mind.

Nature of the mind

In modern neurobiology, they call it the Cortical Midline Network. In Buddhism, it’s referred to colloquially as the ‘monkey mind’. Both terms can represent the same phenomenon, which is that in most cases the human mind’s default state is one of wandering. This is why psychologists and neurobiologists sometimes refer to the Midline Network of the nervous system as the ‘default mode network’. It’s also why a seemingly simple meditation instruction like ‘focus on the breath’ can be so challenging.

In the Buddhist context, the term ‘monkey mind’ comes from the analogy which likens the default nature of the mind to a monkey swinging from branch to branch high up in the canopy. The monkey never stays on one branch for very long before jumping to the next. As it turns out, this is a fairly apt analogy. Studies indicate that when unengaged with a specific task or object of focus, the average person’s mind tends to wander about half the time. These same studies also indicate that these wanderings tend to tilt towards negative thoughts. This has an evolutionary basis. During our long evolution, it was more important to remember where the lions were lurking than where the berries were growing. You can survive a day without berries, but you can’t endure a lion attack.

The Buddha and the Buddhist philosophers that came after him were wise to define the predicament of the wandering mind. Being aware that the mind does this, as it’s running on its predominant default mode, is a major step towards viewing our wandering thoughts as simple constructs of the mind, and not so much as hard reality. It’s a major leap forward when we begin to notice the wandering mind, rather than being led on by it, unaware.

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Awareness and self-reflection

I’m a huge fan of The Huberman Lab Podcast. The host, Dr. Andrew Huberman, is a neurobiologist and professor at the Stanford University School of Medicine. His podcast covers a broad range of topics within the sphere of human health and performance. In late 2023, he and his expert guest, psychiatrist Dr. Paul Conti, M.D. did a four-episode series on mental health. In it, Conti described the importance of self-awareness and self-reflection. He described a practice of ‘opening the cupboards’, in which we can, either under the guidance of a trusted psychiatrist or on our own, examine core areas of our existence, such as the unconscious mind, our defense mechanisms, or our ability to channel natural affective states such as anxiety or restlessness into something positive and productive.

In some Buddhist meditative practices, including some forms of mindfulness meditation, we’re instructed to simply observe our thoughts. The formal practice involves noticing thoughts, sensations, and feelings arise, without clinging to them, building upon them with more wandering thoughts, or labeling them as good or bad. The result of such a formal practice is that over time we do become more aware of ourselves. Through this type of meditation, we develop the skill of noticing unhealthy thought patterns, which would have otherwise just entered our experience as apparent reality.

If nothing else, meditation provides a moment of self-reflection. Without self-reflection, we cannot have self-awareness. When mental health challenges arise, it’s crucial to have the ability to openly and honestly identify where things are going off the rails. Conti also spoke about the importance of becoming aware of our thoughts, because thoughts become behaviors, and behaviors become striving. He explained that striving is perhaps the pinnacle of self, because it represents where we spend large amounts of resources. In other words, we are what we strive for (or fail to strive for). And since the great tree of striving starts with the seedling of thought, it’s important to have practices and protocols that develop awareness of thought. Mindfulness meditation and other forms of meditation common in Buddhist traditions are proven means of achieving this type of awareness.

Agency and the Eightfold Path

In those same episodes, Conti defined the two major constituents of happiness or general mental well-being. They are agency and gratitude. He and Huberman discussed at length how agency—our ability to activate our own intrinsic motivation and generative drive to accomplish things out in the real world—is best thought of as a verb. It’s not something we have. It’s something we do. When faced with challenges, we must be able to muster up some degree of response. We have to be able to manipulate and move through our environment to meet our needs. In modern society, this means we’re able to write a resume, contact potential employers, and interview for jobs. It means going to the immigration office to get definitive answers on doubts regarding your visa application. It means starting a regular exercise program because your body needs it.

In Buddhism, too, there is a recognition that we not only have the capacity for agency, but that we must take active steps if we’re to become more peaceful, compassionate humans. The most fundamental teaching in Buddhism is known as the Four Noble Truths. The First Noble Truth simply stated that human suffering was inevitable. To be human is to suffer. We all experience it. The Second Noble Truth identified the causes of suffering: craving, delusion, and ignorance. The Third Noble Truth was the critical step. The Buddha taught that since there was an identifiable cause for suffering, then there had to be an identifiable method for ending human suffering. That method was the Fourth Noble Truth.

Buddhism and modern psychology: Right effort

The Fourth Noble Truth was the path to the end of suffering, what the Buddha called the Eightfold Path. The Fourth Noble Truth was a systematic approach to the end of human suffering—the dispelling of ignorance and the liberation of the mind. I won’t get into each of the eight folds of the Eightfold Path, because I have already done that in another article and will be publishing more in-depth looks at each of them in the months to come.

Essentially, the eight folds provide specific guidance regarding things like our perceptions, thought, speech, actions. One fold of the path is called Right Effort, and it teaches us that none of this comes for free. To become truly compassionate and understanding—to rid ourselves of the cravings, delusions, and ignorance that come with being human—we must accept that it requires our active participation. Then, crucially, we must do the work. So both Buddhism and modern psychology tell us that a fundamental component of mental well-being involves stepping outside our comfort zone and embracing challenges while taking steps out in the real world to improve our behaviors and circumstances.

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Dukkha and dopamine

In Buddhism, Dukkha is a fundamental concept that is often translated as ‘suffering’. However, there is a lot of division over this translation. Many assert that a more faithful translation would be ‘unsatisfactoriness’. In Buddhism, Dukkha is not limited to pain and discomfort, but it also includes the nuances of unease, restlessness, and a state of longing for things to be different. It is thought that we must cultivate a deeper understanding of impermanence—the open-hearted acceptance that all things are in a constant state of change—to free ourselves from this kind of unsatisfactoriness.

Today, the scientific community has a deep understanding of the neurotransmitter called dopamine. The other day, however, I saw a scammy YouTube ad that opened by saying dopamine is the happiness molecule. This is inaccurate (no surprise, coming from a cheap online ruse) and a common misconception. Rather, dopamine is involved in many core human functions. Notably, it is largely responsible for motivation and reward. It’s the neurochemical that pushes a hungry hunter-gatherer to search for food, no matter how painstaking the search may be.

Endless chasing

Thus, dopamine works to motivate us in anticipation of a reward. This is a critical point, so I want to make it clear. Indeed, dopamine makes us feel good. But it feels best in pursuit of some reward. It’s the drive to the 7-Eleven to get the box of donuts that actually feels better than eating them. It’s the flirting and foreplay before sex.

Dopamine peaks in anticipation of the thing we’re seeking. After we’ve obtained the thing, dopamine dips, often below baseline, which can leave us feeling unsatisfied. This is why no one feels amazing after scarfing down a box of donuts. Evolutionarily speaking, this makes sense. If the fulfillment of eating was everlasting, then we’d never need to eat another meal.

The problem is that dopamine dictates all sorts of behaviors, not just ones fundamental to our survival as a species like eating and having sex. The social media companies know this. A social media scroll is all about anticipation. TikTok is dubiously unfulfilling. It’s nothing but an endless feed of 60-second clips, none of which contain any elements of a real story (which is what we’re unconsciously seeking on there). So it’s all anticipation and no reward.

When we engage in multiple unhealthy behaviors like social media scrolling, we gain nothing but a gaping feeling of unsatisfactoriness—of Dukkha—of dopamine crashes with no lasting actual benefits like nutrition or intimacy. So both Buddhism and modern psychology advise us to avoid empty chasing. We need to define limits for ourselves. There’s nothing worse than being trapped in a senseless pursuit of the ever-evasive and never-defined ‘more’.

Buddhism and modern psychology: Feeling whole

Dopamine is a good thing. It’s a human thing. It’s OK to pursue things, but those things should be net positive. Exercise is an excellent example. With regular practice, we get a dopamine response in anticipation of exercise, even when just a few weeks before we had dreaded it. But unlike social media and donuts, exercise has a lasting benefit, which makes it the perfect substitute for unhealthy behaviors.

Another excellent substitute for unfruitful chasing is mindfulness meditation. A part of the nervous system called the Lateral Cortical Network (LCT) has been shown to become active when we come into the present moment by means of, for example, paying attention to the bodily senses. The LCT supports interoception, which is the ability to notice sensations and feelings in the mind and body. So it promotes internal awareness, but another incredible thing happens when the LCT is active: the Cortical Midline Network (aka the default mode network), responsible for the ‘monkey mind’ that we discussed earlier, becomes inactive.

When our unintentional, wandering thoughts are suppressed and when we become more aware internally, anchored in the present moment, the ensuing feeling is one of wholeness. It’s amazing how we can cultivate a deep sense of satisfaction simply by focusing on present-moment anchors such as the breath or the bodily senses. A sense of wholeness is the opposite of unsatisfactoriness. The more we can anchor ourselves in the here and now without allowing our monkey mind to run unchecked, the less we’ll engage in the unhealthy pursuit of harmful actions or substances.

watch the pursuit of balance podcast now

Compassion and empathy

In neuroscience, there’s a saying that has become somewhat of a trope: “neurons that fire together, wire together.” Whether you think it’s a corny phrase or not, it’s true. It stems from our understanding of neural plasticity, which is the irrefutable fact that our brain and nervous system are capable of changing, at any age. When we perform certain actions, behaviors, or even thoughts repeatedly, the specific neural connections involved in those activities become stronger. This is the basis for learning, skill development, and habit-forming.

In his book Neurodharma: New Science, Ancient Wisdom, and Seven Practices of the Highest Happiness (paid link), Rick Hanson, Ph.D. explains that compassion-focused meditation, common in many Buddhist traditions, activates the areas of the brain involved in connection, positive emotion, and reward. Furthermore, he cites a study that measured neural activity in the brains of experienced practitioners of compassion-based meditation.

The study showed that the neural response in these folks when shown an image of another person’s face versus that of being shown an image of their own face was almost identical. It’s an interesting finding, and one that could lead us to conclude that these meditators developed a deep capacity for empathy through their repeated use of the neural pathways involved in connection. Just by sitting and internally repeating phrases of loving kindness towards others was enough to build up pathways in the brain involved in empathy and compassion.

Buddhism and modern psychology: The physiology of empathy

It makes sense. It’s no different than learning to shoot free-throws. You do it thousands of times, you’re going to get good at it. The behavior becomes automatic—etched into the nervous system. The takeaway here is that we can all do this. Compassion-based meditation is simple. You sit and repeat the phrases, ‘May you be healthy. May you be happy. May you be at peace,’ directing them towards specific people or all living beings.

This is one of my go-to meditation practices, so I can share my case study ‘of one’ and attest that it really works. I always feel a deep sense of calm and peace after the practice. Even if I had been annoyed at my wife before beginning the practice, after silently directing these thoughts and words of compassion towards her, I see the ephemeral nature of my annoyance, and remember that my love for her is stronger than whatever relatively small thing had annoyed me.

There are scientific explanations for the feeling of calmness that I get from compassion-based meditation. It helps to understand a bit about the vagus nerve. One branch of the vagus nerve is associated with social engagement, whereas the other branch is associated with the heart and lungs. The two are connected, which is why maintaining a calm physical state allows you to be kinder and more open to others. In the same way, focusing on compassion and warmheartedness allows you to feel calmer physically. Deep breathing or other calming practices actually make us more capable of and prone to compassion and empathy. In turn, acts and words of kindness can make us physically calmer. It’s a two-way street.

Final thoughts

Many experts claim that we’re in a mental health crisis. I can see it. I work in a fairly high-pressure environment, and unfortunately, I’ve witnessed more than a few of my colleagues go down with burnout. As a fairly new parent, I’m also a fairly new regular at the neighborhood playgrounds. On more than a few occasions, I’ve noticed other dads pushing their kids on the swings while staring at their phone. It’s one thing to stare at your phone on the bus or waiting in line. But at the playground with your kid?

Buddhism and modern psychology offer much in the way of practical advice for mental wellness. It all starts with understanding. We would all benefit from a little more first-hand observation into how the mind works. This kind of self-awareness doesn’t happen, though, while we’re swiping on a piece of glass covering some microprocessors. It takes some effort, and in some cases, the courage to seek help, but the healing wisdom of the Buddha (or of modern science) is available to all of us to illuminate our path of self-discovery.

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21 Human Performance Tips For Busy People

Oct 8, 2023 | Performance

To say my life is busy is an understatement. Writing this blog is my passion. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. But writing the blog, two weekly newsletters, and a book is a tall order. There is no team, there are no editors, web developers, graphic designers, or social media managers. I do it all. Now add all this on top of my full time job—and not just a job, but a corporate career at a prominent company. Finally, my roles of father and husband supersede all of this. This is a percarious balance, but I refuse to burn the candle at both ends. I refuse to hustle and grind, as those terms connote hurriedness and clenching. Instead, I take care of myself. I strongly believe that optimizing for health and human performance is the only way I’ll maintain this balance over the long term.

I’ve put a lot of thought into how to do this and I’ve done a lot of research. So I wanted to share with you my imperfect insights on how to fit health and human performance protocols into even the busiest of schedules.

First, I’ll present the health and human performance optimization tools as I categorize them by sleep, diet, health, and focus. Then, at the end, I’ll explain how I manage to fit this all in.

I want to make it clear, however, that nothing in this article substitutes professional health advice. The article does not aim to address illness or disease. I’ll provide sources at the end for as many of the protocols as I can.

21 human performance tips

Sleep

Track your wake time: Three to four hours after you wake is the optimal time to focus for most people.

Go for a walk as early as possible after waking: The optical stimulus of scenery flowing by your field of vision as you walk helps set your nervous system for the day.

View sunlight as early as possible after waking: Natural sunlight helps set the endocrine system (hormones) for the day. It also sets the ‘internal clock’, meaning you’ll fall asleep more easily at night if you get natural sunlight early in the morning.

Delay coffee: This is a tough one, but hold off for 60-90 minutes before having your first coffee after waking. Again, this relates to your body’s internal clock. This little delay can improve your sleep.

Keep it dark: Dim the lights and limit screen use at least one hour before bedtime, but preferably two hours before. Wear a sleep mask if it doesn’t bother you too much. Studies have shown that even the faintest light in the room can diminish sleep quality.

Don’t sleep in on weekends: Keep your sleep and wake times consistent every day of the week.

Take a morningness-eveningness questionnaire: Whether you’re a night owl or an early bird is largely determined by genetics. A morningness-eveningness questionnaire is a scientifically-developed tool that helps you identify your ideal sleep and wake times based on your circadian rhythm type. Click here to take the quiz online for free (no affiliation).

This post contains affiliate links, which help us keep the blog afloat. Click here for more information.

Graphic image of silver-plated men striving forward to represent an article on human performance

Diet

Intermittent fasting: Going for stretches of 12-14 hours without eating is not just a weight loss fad. There’s a lot of evidence supporting several health benefits that fasting produces. One such benefit is the repairing of cells. When your cells have a surplus of energy, they multiply. However, when your cells feel that they may be deprived of energy, instead of multiplying, they repair themselves. You may not want to do this all the time, but why not once in a while?

Vitamin D: Most people would benefit from supplementing with vitamin D, especially during the winter months.

Omega 3: Is not only beneficial for heart and brain function and health, but has also been shown to alleviate depression.

Health

150 minutes of Zone 2 cardio per week: Zone 2 cardio is when you’re exerting yourself just to the point that your heart rate is elevated, but you could still have a conversation without having to pause between words to catch your breath.

Heart health metrics: Of course, when it comes to heart health, please consult with your doctor. Don’t take cardiovascular health advice from a blog on mindfulness and Stoicism. Ask your doctor about your levels of Apo B, which is a crucial measure of cardiovascular health, but one that is less evident to most people than, say, cholesterol.

Colon cancer screening: Do this no later than 40 years of age.

Mammograms: Women aged 45 to 54 should get mammograms every year. Women 55 and older should switch to mammograms every 2 years, or can continue yearly screening.

Stress vs Growth mindset: Your mindset and preconceived beliefs about stress change how it affects you. If you believe stress is bad for your health, it almost certainly will be. If you believe that in moderate exposures stress is a necessary ingredient for growth, you can reduce its harmful effects. Long-term stress is certainly harmful, but one-off, acute encounters with stress are simply the body’s way of preparing itself for challenge.

Take a deep breath, specifically this one: A physiological sigh is a breathing technique that you can use to alleviate acute stress or anxiety. Inhale deeply, almost fully. Then, at the top of the inhale, take one additional ‘sip’ of air. Exhale fully. Click here to watch a YouTube clip that explains it more comprehensively.

Focus

Focus periods: The ideal duration for a period of intense focus is 90 minutes.

Defocus: After a 90-minute bout of focus, take 20-30 minutes to deliberately de-focus. Go for a walk. Do some stretches. Have a snack. Do anything to disengage from the work.

Don’t look down: Placing your computer monitor in a position that forces you to look slightly upward places you in a higher state of focus. You can also simply look upward when you’re about to re-focus.

Recharge: Naps are OK for most people but yoga nidra (also referred to as Non Sleep Deep Rest) is an excellent, short practice that really recharges the batteries. Yoga nidra is basically guided meditation that usually involves a body scan. It’s incredibly relaxing, refreshing, and can be done in as little as ten minutes. Click here to check out my favorite YouTube channel for yoga nidra (no affiliation).

Meditate: There are countless studies demonstrating that regular mediation practice can improve focus, memory, and attention. The study I found had participants meditate for at least 12 minutes a day, five days a week.

Digital image of silver-plated men striving forward to represent an article on human performance

How to fit human performance into a busy schedule

I’m going to re-list all the protocols you just read. But this time, for each of them, I’ll describe how you can condense it. The idea here is one that I’ve embraced in my own life, which is that something is better than nothing. I could let all my obligations beat me down to the point where I say ‘I simply don’t have enough time for this, so I can’t do it.’ Or, I can find a way, even if it means reducing everything to its bare minimum.

Sleep

Track your wake time: If you keep your sleep and wake times consistent, this only needs to be done once and takes one minute.

Go for a walk as early as possible after waking: Combine with the protocol below.

View sunlight as early as possible after waking: Dr. Andrew Huberman of the Huberman Lab podcast recommends doing this for 10-30 minutes. Sometimes, all I can manage is 2-3 minutes, which I believe is better than not doing it at all.

Delay coffee: Going for your morning walk and getting sunlight makes this easier.

Keep it dark: Just do it.

Don’t sleep in on weekends: Just do it. It’s tempting to feel that you need to get caught up on sleep, but renowned sleep researcher Dr. Matthew Walker has said that sleep doesn’t work like a bank account; we can’t hold on to savings.

Take a morningness-eveningness questionnaire: It takes five minutes and you only need to do it once.

Diet

Intermittent fasting: I do this one day a week and intend to increase the frequency gradually as I age. Plus, skipping a few meals actually saves time.

Vitamine D: If you can afford it, just do it.

Omega 3: If you can afford it, just do it.

Health

150 minutes of Zone 2 cardio per week: If you can, bike or walk to work, the grocery store, or virtually anywhere within a reasonable walking or biking distance. This kills two birds with one stone and takes less time than doing 150 minutes in addition to your commutes.

Heart health metrics: Heart health warrants the 60-90 minutes it’ll take you to schedule and attend the doctor appointment(s).

Colon cancer screening: Just do it.

Mammograms: Just do it.

Stress vs Growth mindset: This is just a mindset shift. It doesn’t cost you any time.

Take a deep breath, specifically this one: It only takes a few seconds.

Focus

Focus periods: You will get more done in these 90 minutes than you would otherwise.

Defocus: It may seem counterproductive, but if you really stick to the above protocol, it pays dividends.

Don’t look down: Setting up an ergonomic workstation takes a small, one-off time investment, but the returns are worth it.

Recharge: Again, it may seem counterproductive, but a 10-minute yoga nidra practice turns a lethargic afternoon into a second morning of productive focus.

Meditate: There are many days where I can only manage 10 minutes, but this is something I never skip because meditation to me is not a human performance protocol. It’s a means of connecting with life itself.

Rest is essential for optimizing human performance

I’ll leave you with one more protocol: take time off. Take breaks of more than just a weekend. Take that time to do more on the above protocols. I’ll be taking one of these shortly. I can’t wait to go for a long hike, and find an open space where I can sit and meditate for at least an hour. I’ll be battling jet lag, so I’ll take that opportunity to relax my sleep protocols and just watch YouTube in bed if I feel like it. I’ll have my notebook with me if the urge to write strikes, but the laptop will be far, far away.

Final thoughts

I’m writing this almost nine months after the birth of my son. The fact that I get to wake up everyday and be his father, first and foremostly, above anything else, gives me immense joy and purpose. With that said, these last nine months have come with new demands on my time—major demands. I’ve had to adjust. I’ve had to change. But I refuse to deprioritize my health or my dreams. Something has to give, right? Well, no. Rather than forgoing, I’ve chosen to condense, to be patient, to play the long game.

Ryan Holiday says that good writers need to write two crappy pages a day. The idea is consistency. Show up, get two pages in, and eventually you’ll have something you can make better through editing. This is sound advice, but I’ve had to laugh at it some days—the ones where I’m lucky if I can write two crappy sentences. Just because I only have 10 minutes to write, doesn’t mean I wont sit down and write. The same goes for all the protocols I’ve shared here. There is always time for health and human performance, no matter how little. But when the clock strikes bedtime, I shut off the laptop. Without fail. There’s always tomorrow, unless you burn yourself out today.

Sources

Huberman Lab Podcast: Maximizing Productivity, Physical & Mental Health with Daily Tools | Huberman Lab Podcast #28
Huberman Lab Podcast: Dr. Matthew Walker: The Science & Practice of Perfecting Your Sleep | Huberman Lab Podcast #31
Huberman Lab Podcast: Dr. Peter Attia: Improve Vitality, Emotional & Physical Health & Lifespan | Huberman Lab Podcast
Huberman Lab Podcast: Dr. Satchin Panda: Intermittent Fasting to Improve Health, Cognition & Longevity | Huberman Lab
Huberman Lab Podcast: How to Enhance Performance & Learning by Applying a Growth Mindset | Huberman Lab Podcast
Peak Mind: Find Your Focus, Own Your Attention, Invest 12 Minutes a Day by Amishi Jha
American Cancer Society screening recommendations for women at average breast cancer risk

Debunking 8 Common Misconceptions About Stoicism: What It Really Means To Be A Stoic

The Three Stoic Disciplines: Desire, Action, and Assent

Introduction To Stoicism And Mindfulness

Improve Your Focus With Mindfulness- And Science-Based Protocols

What Is Modern Stoicism? An Introduction & Essential Practices

How To Speak Like A Stoic

Karma In Buddhism: Sowing The Seeds Of Love

What The Death Of Marcus Aurelius Teaches Us About Life

Zen Meditation: How To Stop And Reflect For Wisdom

Memento Vivere: How To Live With Agency, Gratitude & Engagement

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8 Ways To Be Humble And Confident

Feb 20, 2022 | Performance

“It’s hard to be humble when you’re as great as I am.” This quote comes to us from the legendary Muhammad Ali. It’s not hard to find other quotes of his just like this—oozing with in-your-face, unapologetic confidence and swagger. This conspicuous confidence serves boxers well, but what about the rest of us? If we were to walk into the staff meeting on Monday and say something like that, we would arouse disgust rather than admiration from the other attendees. Yet, confidence is a trait we all want. We know intuitively that confidence is desirable. But there’s a fine line between an appropriate projection of confidence and the cocky boastfulness that served Muhammad Ali so well in his profession. This article aims to illuminate the path towards developing humble confidence. To be humble and confident is to be present and noticeable, yet subtle, measured, and inspiring.

How to be humble and confident

Let’s explore eight simple practices to help you develop, refine, and display humble confidence. We’ll consider the reasons for which humble confidence is more effective than rattling, in-your-face confidence and, evidently, much more desirable than no confidence at all.

1. Always do the work, because you can’t fool yourself

You can hide corner-cutting from others, but you cannot hide it from yourself. Action breeds confidence. Inaction breeds doubt. Applying a thorough and, most importantly, consistent attention to detail in all your work, no matter how trivial the task may seem, is essential for building confidence. A consistent work ethic does two important things. First, doing the work builds self-efficacy, which is the perceived belief that you can complete a task successfully.

Self-efficacy and humble confidence

Although related, self-efficacy differs from self-confidence, which is more general and encompassing. Since it is task specific, self-efficacy cannot be acquired without doing the task. Self-efficacy is the trait that allows you to say to yourself ‘I can handle this’ whenever an unexpected obstacle obstructs your path. Always doing the work is the only way to acquire this trait.

Secondly, and less evidently, doing the work removes the doubt that others are getting ahead of you. Let’s face this unsatisfying truth; we base much of our self-confidence in comparison to others. We’re constantly told not to compare ourselves to others, but this is nearly impossible. We evolved to be cognizant of the strengths and weaknesses of others in relation to our own. To give a negative example to illustrate this point, it is nearly impossible to feel confident in a collaborative or competitive environment if you are constantly doing less than everyone else.

To borrow another point from the world of boxing, a select few elite boxers have been known to adopt a peculiar practice: they hold training sessions at 3 am. There is no physiological benefit to training in the middle of the night. In fact, it likely is to the detriment of physical performance given the disruption of sleep. But they do it because it gives them a psychological advantage. They see themselves working hard, preparing mentally and physically, while their opponent is presumed to be sleeping. The repeated drills and exercises build the physical faculties (self-efficacy), while the idea of being more prepared than the opponent removes doubt.

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Young African woman posing with confidence on a black background to represent an article on humble confidence

2. Be frugal with your words

You wouldn’t begin constructing a new bed frame without first measuring to ensure it will fit in its intended location. We give forethought to our physical actions, but we rarely do this with our speech.

Speak freely but with an economy of words. It is harmful to creative thought and natural expression to place too many rules on your speech. A simple rule that truly helps to filter out some verbosity is to enter into conversations with the intention to simply say less.

Listen first, speak last. Listening allows you to be receptive to learning something you may not have known. Perhaps someone else knows the path of least resistance, which is efficient for you, but it also validates the other person’s contributions.

Ask yourself this invaluable question before speaking: ‘so what?’ Ask this with the intention of clarifying to yourself the following: ‘why is the content of my speech important to the listener?’ What will they do with this information? What do they need to retain? How will they use this? These are pertinent questions that will help you speak succinctly and ensure that your message is valuable to your listeners.

Mindful speech

The suggestion here is that we need to approach our speech mindfully. Staying silent when something needs to be said is not a display of confidence. Conversely, we don’t want to speak for the sake of being heard, without adding value for the listeners. Humble confidence comes from a middle path where the speaker is above all considerate of the needs of others.

“Let silence be your goal for the most part; say only what is necessary, and be brief about it. On the rare occasions when you’re called upon to speak, then speak, but never about banalities like gladiators, horses, sports, food and drink—common-place stuff. Above all, don’t gossip about people, praising, blaming or comparing them.” – Epictetus, from the book The Enchiridion of Epictetus

3. Be the calmest person in the room

What you wear and how you carry yourself can affect your self-confidence, but nothing leaves a more inspiring impression on people like unwavering calmness. Humble confidence requires peace and clarity. The peace comes from doing the work and the clarity is displayed through succinct and valuable speech, as mentioned above.

Calmness is the trait most remembered by others in times of tension. I experienced this myself when I led a project at work during our most stressful time of the year. The written feedback I received months later, as part of a general performance review, was remarkable for one particular reason: virtually all the positive feedback citing this project used the word ‘calm’ to describe my performance. They didn’t necessarily remember specific things I had said or done, but they remembered (and appreciated) that I was calm.

Ryan Holiday’s book Stillness Is The Key is an exemplary work that describes the power of stillness and calm from a Stoic perspective. In the book, he tells the story of John F. Kennedy’s actions during a blockade crisis at the peak of tensions during the Cold War. He summarizes how Kennedy averted a hot war with the Soviet Union in a way that exemplified humble confidence:

“The lesson was one not of force but of the power of patience, alternating confidence and humility, foresight and presence, empathy and unbending conviction, restraint and toughness, and quiet solitude combined with wise counsel.”

How can you remain calm in chaotic situations? I’ve yet to find better protocols for building the capacity of calmness than mindfulness and meditation.

4. Keep your chin up

I do mean this quite literally; raising your chin just a bit shows confidence, but it also shows that you’re engaged and listening. This is just one aspect of how posture and movement affect your confidence. Countless studies have demonstrated that a straight, upright posture has measurable, physiological benefits pertaining to confidence and efficacy.

I would add that slow, deliberate movement is also conducive to developing humble confidence. Try to notice if you’re walking too quickly or fumbling over simple manual tasks. This is an indication that your thoughts are rushed and scattered. Simply acknowledge that you’re rushing, and use a mindful breath to reset yourself.

Here are some clear findings from a randomized control trial published in 2014:

“Upright participants reported higher self-esteem, more arousal, better mood, and lower fear, compared to slumped participants. Linguistic analysis showed slumped participants used more negative emotion words, first-person singular pronouns, affective process words, sadness words, and fewer positive emotion words and total words during the speech. Upright participants had higher pulse pressure during and after the stressor.”

5. Never lose sight of your North Star

The Stoics had their Four Virtues. Buddhism has given us the Noble Eightfold Path. These are clearly-worded guiding principles of which one should be mindful to guide their actions in accordance with their values. Sets of principles like these have stood the test of time for good reason. They are indispensable, and I’m in no position to improve upon them. I have, however, found that rather than keeping track of a list of ideas, it’s useful to define a singular guiding purpose for your life: your North Star

Leaders, especially those capable of acting humbly confident, always know the answer to this question: ‘why am I doing this?’ Knowing your ultimate objective, beyond the more immediate outcomes you’re pursuing, is the utmost way to perform with humble confidence.

Let’s illustrate with a hypothetical example. If a young clothing designer was working to open their own boutique, having a singular vision, such as ‘I will help people feel confident’, would help to guide not only each clothing design, but also guide each decision in dealing with realtors, lawyers, and banks to get their business off the ground.

In any situation, whether it’s routine work, a critical meeting, or a confrontation, always know your singular purpose and keep your ultimate objective at arm’s length. For someone who’s not fortunate enough to have a job they’re passionate about (which is very common), this could be ‘I will earn my salary so I can provide for my family’. This guides your actions with precision. It makes you nearly infallible, because when someone challenges you, you can take it as a minor speed bump on your path towards your singular purpose, rather than allowing the challenge to distract or derail you.

Fashionable African woman wearing a colorful beaded necklace striking a confident pose over a black background for an article on humble confidence

6. You’re right, wrong, or need more time

When working with others on complex or conflicting information, it’s useful to enter the situation knowing there are only three possible ways to interact with knowledge or opinions. The three possibilities are:

You’re right. In this case, speak up with clarity, conviction, and frugality of words.

You’re wrong. In this case, you need to admit that you’re wrong and allow the path of least resistance to unfold without your ego getting in the way. This is fundamental to humble confidence.

You need more time. If you don’t know the answer or need more information, don’t be afraid to demand more time to come to your conclusion. This, too, is a strong display of humble confidence.

Delineating the possible outcomes like this provides clearer avenues. Like the aforementioned clarification on frugal speech, it’s important to allow yourself to respond with your opinions and knowledge fluidly, without the hindrance of rigid rules. However, entering a situation knowing these three possibilities helps to check your ego, and reminds you that you’re there to add value even if it means being wrong or lending the spotlight to someone else.

7. You’re as good as anyone, but not better or worse

Don’t try to be better than everyone, and definitely do not resign yourself to inferiority. Take the middle path when it comes to the inevitable comparison to others. There will be people who have skills that you don’t have. A humbly confident person is not envious of this. They recognize that each person has specialized along different lines, and they leverage other peoples’ unique strengths. Ultimately, your potential and persistence will showcase the unique value that you bring, and you will be rewarded for that.

8. Aim for perfection, but be willing to accept failure

You aim for perfection, but you embrace the possibility of falling short. You treat no detail as minor and you polish your work with the utmost care. You send it out to the world and move on to the next task seamlessly. If it comes back for correction, then the correction is simply the next brick to lay.

This reminds me of a principle that Grant Cardone elaborates in his book The 10x Rule. The underlying idea of the book is that we need to set goals ten times more ambitious than our intuition would have suggested. Then, we must scale our efforts with this ten-fold expansion of our potential. This idea has some validity, but this 8th tip on how to be confident and humble differs in one critical way. Cardone’s emphasis is on quantity, which has value, but my emphasis here is on quality. If you treat each task as the most important thing you do all day, with the utmost focus and care, even if it’s a simple email to a peer or the washing of one window of the hundreds of windows you need to clean that day, it will lead to the kind of results that make you feel humbly confident.

This relates to our 1st tip of doing the work, and can be guided by the 5th tip of keeping your North Star at your side, but the emphasis is on perfection. Many people say that it’s unhealthy to strive for perfection. This is only true if we are not simultaneously willing and able to accept failure. Striving for perfection leads to fewer failures, not absence of failure.

Why is it important to be humbly confident? Humble confidence ruffles fewer feathers

Another inherent benefit of humble confidence is that it ruffles fewer feathers. Having a boastful, in-your-face confidence certainly has its advantages, but those are tempered by the opposition it will garner. Those who are threatened by it may work against you behind your back. When your confidence is overly evident, those who feel they need to match or beat it will be signaled to do so immediately. Conversely, a humble confidence that is apparent yet subtle will serve you in guiding your actions but will find itself less often on the radar of those whose egos will be bothered by it.

As you may have guessed, I developed these tips because displaying confidence doesn’t always come naturally to me. Fundamentally, I am confident in my abilities and I have high self-esteem. The challenge for me, at times, is demonstrating this in collaborative or competitive environments. I am drawn to and fascinated by figures who display sparkling, abundant confidence, such as the aforementioned Muhammad Ali or his contemporary equivalent in terms of swagger in combat sports, Conor McGregor.

However, I know that this kind of in-your-face confidence is uniquely useful in the entertainment sphere. Several times, in my career I have found myself in leadership positions. One conclusion that I have taken from those experiences is that good leadership and sound conduct in general is a balancing act. It requires an honest acknowledgement of strength and weakness, high standards, compassion, and above all, clarity of thought.

“I have observed that those who have accomplished the greatest results are those who ‘keep under the body’; are those who never grow excited or lose self-control, but are always calm, self-possessed, patient, and polite.” – Booker T. Washington

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What The Death Of Marcus Aurelius Teaches Us About Life

Zen Meditation: How To Stop And Reflect For Wisdom

Memento Vivere: How To Live With Agency, Gratitude & Engagement

Calm Superpower: How To Act Calmly In Any Situation

Nov 6, 2021 | Performance

It was a clear November day in Dallas. Tires screeched under the force of a heavy car turning too fast. The force of the turns and rapid acceleration was suffocating to Lyndon B. Johnson, who stared at the car floor just centimeters away from his face, with the full weight of a Secret Service agent pressing down on him. The car was racing away from the infamous motorcade seconds after the first shots rang out. It was the afternoon of the Kennedy assassination. It was rare that the President and Vice-President were both outside of Washington at the same time. And it was even more rare that the two were in the same motorcade. The country’s government was particularly vulnerable that day. It would not have been easy to act calmly in conditions like that.

Later, at Parkland Hospital in a hastily repurposed cubicle, Johsnon’s air turned to one that people close to him that day described as ‘calm’, ‘still’ and ‘quiet’. He was confronted with the most critical decisions of his life. Looking back, we know that the shots fired at Kennedy were the only ones aimed at the upper rungs of government that day. But at the time, there was credible reason to believe that Vice-President Johnson would be targeted as well.

Amid the shock and panic, Secret Service agents attempted to do their jobs and urged Johnson to board a plane immediately to ensure maximum safety. Had he been overwhelmed by the moment, he might have accepted this logical advice. However, Johnson had the presence to think not of himself, but of Mrs. Kennedy. He rejected the plan and decided that he would not leave Dallas without the First Lady and the President’s body.

Act calmly and command complexity

Under a screen of secrecy, Johnson’s party was about to make its exit from the hospital when he was forced to make another difficult decision. He was asked if the press should be informed of the President’s death. Without hesitation, he replied to the enquiring aide: “No. I think I had better get out of here and get back to the plane before you announce it. We don’t know whether this is a worldwide conspiracy, whether they are after me as well. . . . We just don’t know.”

Still just hours after the traumatic event, now aboard Air Force One, Johnson coordinated the swearing of the oath for him to assume the Presidency. This was a complicated procedure, seeped in ambiguity, but one that was of primary importance and urgency. It was paramount that he showed the world continuity and legitimacy in the country’s highest office. Again, those who were on the plane later noted his calm and ability to command a complex situation with clarity. After having been in the range of bullets and then evacuated via high-speed getaway, Johnson had to find his compassion but also his command and calm. Just hours after the horrific catalyst that day, he came to terms with the fact that the President had died, which meant that he was now the Commander in Chief, and still managed to coordinate several complicated matters simultaneously.

This is an extreme example that we can view through a retrospective lens to observe the importance of remaining calm under pressure. It is unlikely that Johnson experienced a state of internal calm during the tense and uncertain hours following Kennedy’s assassination. What history remembers, and what is important, is that he was able to act calmly.

Guidance from science and experience

I hope for this article to serve two purposes. I want to clarify that calmness can be cultivated despite the situation and despite your temperament. With practice, anyone can be calm in any situation, which is why the second aim of this article is to provide guidance on how to be calm in any situation.

Let’s look at some tips, methods and guidance you can deploy to keep yourself engaged with stressors while performing calmly. The first comes from hard science, while the others come from experience.

Dr. Andrew Huberman is a professor of neurobiology and ophthalmology at Stanford University School of Medicine. His laboratory studies neural regeneration, neuroplasticity, and brain states such as stress, focus, fear, and optimal performance. He has a podcast and YouTube channel, where he strikes an excellent balance between the hard science of performance, without going too far over the heads of a generalized audience.

I find that Huberman’s content is no-nonsense and highly trustworthy because he is a scientist above all else in search of the truth. Here’s a summary of what he has to say about being calm in any situation.

The science of how to act calmly

Telling yourself to calm down does not work. In fact, it tends to exacerbate stress. The best thing you can do to reduce the severity of the stress response is activate the parasympathetic nervous system. According to Huberman, the fastest way to self-direct physiological calm is called the physiological sigh. We activate our respiratory systems involuntarily to reduce stress—in claustrophobic situations, for example—but we forget that we can also activate these systems voluntarily. The physiological sigh consists of one medium-to-long breath in, followed succinctly by one more short breath in, followed by a final long exhale.

Huberman explains and demonstrates this technique much more aptly than I can in the following short clip

This is an incredibly powerful tool because we can deploy it in real time. Mindfulness, yoga, meditation and other so-called Non-Sleep Deep Rest (NSDR) tools are excellent for the overall reduction of baseline stress. However, you cannot always perform those things on the spot. Things like gratitude have been shown to have a calming effect, but if you’re suddenly called upon in the real world to perform a task that scares you, there is no time to list twenty things for which you’re grateful. However, you can take a few seconds to do the physiological sigh without anyone noticing, and it will have the desired calming effect on your performance.

Practical tips to help you act calmly

Although in some cases they are not supported by rigorous scientific research, I would still like to share with you some of my own personal tips for remaining calm in stressful situations. I work in online marketing for arguably the largest company in the world, so I have had the privilege to test these ‘how to stay calm’ tips against some fairly intense and stressful situations.

Prioritize relentlessly — if you’re operating in a dynamic or ever-evolving environment, it is crucially important to always know your top priority. This gives you singular focus from moment to moment, because the item at the top of the list is your sole concern. This also helps manage distractions, interruptions and changes to your plans. When something unexpected bubbles up, don’t let it derail your focus. Instead, write it down, ‘park’ it in a ‘to-be-captured’ area of your planner. Personally, I find it useful to examine my to-do list and the newly added items in my ‘to-be-captured’ section and re-order them based on the most current situation several times a day.

Slow down, dramatically

Speak and move slowly — slowing your speech down just a bit is never a bad idea. It has a calming effect on yourself and your audience, it allows you to enunciate, and generally allows for more thoughtful communication. The same goes for movement. Slowing down your movement will result in fewer errors and a sense of calm and control. I recommend finding an introductory task and doing it incredibly slowly to set the tone for the subsequent tasks. For me, an introductory task that I perform ultra-slowly is entering my laptop’s login password. I am required to do this several times a day before I engage with more meaningful activity. Typing the password slowly allows me to set the pace and remind myself not to rush.

Perspective — in particularly stressful situations, it can be useful to remind yourself of the bigger picture. Remind yourself of your ultimate, macro goals. Recalling that you work to support your family and not for the micro goals laid out for you today can have a grounding effect.

Compassion for focus

Serve others — interruptions are only distressful if we fail to realize that they are an opportunity to help someone. Usually interruptions or requests are opportunities to practice compassion. Shifting the focus from yourself to the service of your teammates or family members can broaden your perspective. It can serve as a reminder that being a good person is more important than ticking the box on every action item of the day. Plus, quite often, being of genuine and kind service to others makes you more indispensable.

Breathe — if something stressful hits you out of the blue, and acting calmly will help you overcome it, go ahead and try the physiological sigh described above. This is a rapid calming method, but you can also try to use conscious breath throughout the day to maintain a calm baseline state. There’s never a bad time for a deep breath. We have written several pieces on meditation, rest, and breathing if you’d like to read more about these tools.

No need to banish stress. Just act calmly

In stressful situations, it will never be possible to be fully calm. As was hopefully illustrated by the opening anecdote of Johnson’s transition from high-speed getaway to swearing in as President of the United States with just a few hours separating the two events, it’s more important to act calmly than to feel calm internally. We evolved a stress response for imperative reasons. We would not survive without feeling stress so it’s a good idea to remind yourself occasionally that stress is normal and necessary.

Just remember what is within your control and what is not. We can reach varying degrees of baseline calm through scheduled, medium-to-long term practices such as meditation. We can also leverage breathing techniques like the physiological sigh to rapidly lower our heart rate to tackle unexpected stressors as they arise. Perspective, planning and even compassion are equally excellent ways to navigate life with a calm baseline demeanor. A bit like a fairly common epithet that states ‘feel the fear and do it anyway’, I would like to propose my own in accordance with the theme of this article: ‘feel the pressure and act calmly’.

Sources

The Transition: Lyndon Johnson and the events in Dallas by Robert A. Caro. March 26, 2012

https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2012/04/02/the-transition

Tools For Managing Stress & Anxiety: Huberman Lab Podcast #10

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ntfcfJ28eiU

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9 Stoic Practices For Resilience

Mar 28, 2021 | Performance, Stoicism

Nobody has unfaltering focus. Nobody’s courage runs in an uninterrupted continuum. Discipline is a limited resource. These statements may seem discouraging, but they are only discouraging if we don’t know how to be resilient.

The definition of resilience implies setback or difficulty. If we were to invoke imagery to visualize resilience, one might picture a surfer carving effortlessly atop an enormous wave.

But this would be an incorrect image of resilience. A more accurate depiction of resilience would be of the surfer dragging themselves back onto their surfboard after having been hammered down by a huge wave. Resilience resides in a very narrow space. That space is found between a setback and a corrective action.

In this article, we’ll explore 9 Stoic practices for resilience.

Surfer under water to represent an article on how to be more resilient

Stoic Resilience is resetting quickly

If we were to measure resilience, we might look at the time required to get back onto the surfboard. Resilience is pretty hard to practice if we don’t understand where it occurs. Bringing awareness to the space where resilience can happen is the fundamental step towards building resilience as a feature of character.

The space for resilience opens up immediately after a setback, loss, or failure. Reducing the time required to accept and move forward is what it takes to be more resilient.

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

– Viktor Frankl

Here are 9 Stoic practices to help you be more resilient

1. Accept the setback: Often, we get stuck on the problem because we can’t accept it. This can occur in the form of blame or feeling sorry for ourselves. The Stoics taught that blame and pity are not only wastes of time, but they are also states of mind that prevent progress. We can’t even begin to see the way forward until we’ve accepted that we’ve been obstructed. In Stoicism, this practice has a name: The Art of Acquiescence. For more on this, check out our article Master The Art Of Acquiescence For Resilience & Perspective.

2. Fill the time following a setback with activity: Pull up a chair and invite your fear to sit there next to you as your temporary guest and carry on working. The space where resilience occurs is narrow, and it doesn’t happen if self-pity, doubt, or anxiety lead to inaction. Accept the hardship with compassion and understanding and move forward promptly. Even if the activity does not directly address the problem, as long as it is healthy and keeps you moving, it helps create favorable conditions for a solution.

Monitor your focus to be more resilient

3. Always know your top priority: Having a clear set of priorities laid out next to you on paper is a good way to regain focus promptly after a distraction. When a distraction pops up, ask yourself if it fits within or atop your priority list. If it doesn’t fit there, then you can delegate or delete it. Stoic resilience is the ability to either handle or delete a distraction and then return quickly to the priority, as if the distraction had never occurred.

4. If you’re really stuck, help others: If your obstacle or setback truly has you stuck, and you can’t seem to find the way forward. Don’t give up. Patience and time can be crucial ingredients for resilience. In the meantime, helping others is a strong way to remain active and positive. Plus, diverting your attention away from your problem and aiming towards the benefit of others may help you see your problem in a new light.

5. Look for the good in the bad: There are always lessons in setbacks and failures. But there can also be advantages. In his book The Obstacle Is The Way, Ryan Holiday describes a setback-turned-advantage using a story about Phil Jackson, the hall-of-fame NBA coach. While recovering from a surgery, Jackson was stuck in a high, director’s-style chair on the sidelines while coaching. At first, he thought this would hinder his coaching—unable to move up and down the bench and interact with players at will. Instead, he found that the elevated seat grounded him. It gave him a new vantage point that led to a calmer, more centered style of coaching.

6. Always know your ‘why’: We can be more resilient when we have a purpose greater than ourselves. Finding your purpose is essential for Stoic resilience. In my own life, I call this my North Star. It is the overarching, top priority in my life. Mine is not that original; it’s my family’s well-being. When my North Star shines light on a difficulty, I remember why I’m doing the little things, and my motivation is renewed in the face of adversity. The Stoics had a phrase that pairs well with this concept: Summum bonum (Latin for ‘the highest good’). Early Stoics like Cicero used the phrase to materialize their core message: to live virtuously is the highest good. Find your purpose, and live virtuously on your path towards it.

7. Don’t be caught off guard: The Stoic epithet Premeditatio malorum (Latin for ‘the premeditation of evils’) teaches us to be acutely aware that things can and will go wrong. This is not about diving into despair. It’s about readiness. In business, they would call it risk assessment and risk mitigation. I love this passage from Epictetus’ The Manual: A Philosopher’s Guide To Life, where he urges us to remain alert and ready:

“During a voyage, when the ship is anchored and you go ashore for supplies, you may amuse yourself with picking up seashells and pretty stones along the way, but keep your thoughts attuned on the ship, keeping alert to the captain’s call. You may need to drop your treasures and run back to the boat at any time. Likewise in life, remain steadfast in pursuing your mission, always willing to shed distractions.”

Being ready for setbacks before they occur creates favorable conditions for resilience.

Surfer under a crashed wave to represent an article on how to be more resilient

Stoic resilience and discipline

We all have lapses of discipline to some degree and frequency. Even David Goggins, someone who exemplifies astounding discipline, had to navigate transitions from laziness to diligence. If you don’t know his story, it’s worth reading about. You could also check out his bestselling book Can’t Hurt Me or his more recent book Never Finished.

We could argue whether or not Goggins experiences lapses of discipline today (although I would imagine that by his standards he does). He certainly lacked discipline in his past. His story is compelling because he used to be lazy and undisciplined.

He was able to transform himself from a guy who picked up a box of donuts every day on his way home from spraying for cockroaches into a Navy SEAL, ultra-marathon runner, and bestselling author, because he kept the time short between lapses in discipline and corrective action. He didn’t make this transformation overnight and he certainly didn’t do it without breaches in discipline.

8. Keep the time short between lapses in discipline: It takes courage to take a day off. We need lazy days. We need space to simply be and simply rest. Take time to recharge, but keep the intervals short between strong routines and breaks from them.

9. Remember your previous comebacks, and be proud of yourself: First, always take pride in the fact that you’re trying at all. Setbacks, failures, and losses are hard enough to cope with. We can at least lighten the burden a little by being proud of ourselves. Also, look back to times where you overcame similar challenges. This will remind you that you’ll get through this one, and may even help you recall tactics that were successful before.

Final thoughts

Although discipline may be a limited resource, our beliefs about it can have a mitigating effect on its depletion. If we believe in our ability to recover, and if we’re proud of our own commitment to strive for better, we’re likely to be more resilient. The key here is to cherish and love the part of you that’s trying to be better, not reprimanding the part of you that was weak. Embrace your imperfections with loving-kindness, but never stop striving.

“Where the head goes, the body follows. Perception precedes action. Right action follows the right perspective.”

– Ryan Holiday, The Obstacle Is The Way

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How To Accept Fear: 5 Truths To Help You Advance Despite Fear

Apr 12, 2020 | Performance

Fear is at the root of much of our suffering. Fear prevents us from growing as human beings; it prevents us from actually living our lives to their fullest potential. We need to learn how to deal with our fears and be willing to allow ourselves to take risks—to allow ourselves to be vulnerable so that we can grow and realize our own true potential. Fear can be crippling. It causes inaction. When fear takes a restrictive hold on us, it’s because we’re lost in the story we’ve told ourselves about the fear. Understanding fear is the key to growing with it. In this article, we’ll define fear along the 3 levels of fear. Then, we’ll explore 5 truths about fear to learn how to accept fear and take it along with you on your path.

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In her landmark book, Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, Susan Jeffers writes:

“We fear beginnings. We fear endings, we fear change, we fear ‘staying stuck’, we fear success, we fear failure, we fear living and we fear dying. You may be surprised and encouraged to learn that while inability to deal with fear may look and feel like a psychological problem, in most cases it isn’t. I believe that it is primarily an educational problem, and that by re-educating the mind, you can accept fear as simply a fact of life rather than a barrier to success.”

Understanding fear

Some years ago, I recall a young girl that I had befriended in recovery who kept relapsing. She was in my apartment doing what her sponsor had told her: listing her fears. Page after page she wrote down all of her fears. I recall saying to her, “I bet if you look closely at all those fears you’re writing down, you’ll find only one underlying cause.” She didn’t know what I meant and kept writing.

The key to learning how to accept fear is understanding it. Let’s examine the 3 levels of fear to help us with this.

The three levels of fear

The first level is the surface story. This level of fear can be divided into two types: those that ‘happen’ and those that ‘require action’.

Those that happen	Those requiring action
Aging	Going back to school
Becoming disabled	Making decisions
Retirement	Making friends
Being alone	Going to the doctor
Children leaving home	Asserting oneself
Natural disasters	Changing jobs
Loss of financial security	Being interviewed
Change	Public speaking
Dying
War
Pandemics

Looking at this first level of fear teaches us three important insights about fear. First, the things we fear that ‘just happen’ are almost entirely out of our control. This requires some degree of acceptance. The Stoics taught that we should be intimately aware of the many things that can go wrong. They taught this not to foster anxiety, but to promote mental preparedness. Let’s at least not be caught off guard when things go wrong, because things inevitably will go wrong.

The second insight is that we fuel fear of things that ‘happen’ by thinking that they are happening to us. A pandemic or natural disaster has absolutely nothing to do with you. To feel that it is somehow happening to you or at you is a mistake the ego leads you to make. When we view hardship from a higher perspective, above the narrow view of our own subjective experience, the fear associated with that hardship is easier to bear.

The third insight, and one we’ll explore in more depth in this article, is that many fears require action. In this case, the fear is actually a call to action. Fear is an important signal, and it’s often pretty precise in telling us what needs to be done.

Level 2 fears

Rejection	Being conned
Success	Helplessness
Failure	Disapproval
Being vulnerable	Loss of image

Level 2 fears have to do with states of mind rather than external situations. They reflect your sense of self and your ability to handle this world. Also, Level 2 fears are not situation orientated; they involve the ego. If you are afraid of rejection, this fear will permeate all aspects of your life. Rejection is rejection wherever it is found. So you begin to protect yourself and, as a result, greatly limit yourself. You begin to shut down and close out the world around you.

These fears are formed largely because we have a rigid idea about ourselves and we resist anything that runs counter to it. This manifests itself into fear of judgment and caring too much about what others think of you. The most practical way, albeit a difficult one that requires much reflection and practice, is to recognize that your sense of self is impermanent and, in many ways, not real. Who you are is constantly changing, therefore you need not react in fear to anything that threatens the ego.

It’s like the Zen story of the man who shouts angrily when a boat collides with his boat on a foggy lake. When he realizes that the other boat is empty, his anger immediately dissipates. This teaches us to empty our own boat. When our boat advances effortlessly, without being captained by an inflated and emotional ego, then others are much less likely to harm us. This way, we have much less to fear.

Eggs with scared face drawn on to represent an article on how to accept fear

Level 3 fears

The root of all fear: I can’t handle it. I can’t handle it.

At the root of all fear is simply the fear that you can’t handle whatever life may bring you. We tell ourselves: ‘I can’t handle illness’, ‘I can’t handle making a wrong decision’, ‘I can’t handle rejection’, etc. So, if you knew you could handle anything that came your way, what would you possibly have to fear? Nothing!

This means that you can handle all your fears without having to control anything in the outside world. You no longer have to control what your partner does, what your children do, or what your boss does.

Money is a big one for a lot of people. However, ironically, the majority of people who have a lot of it worry incessantly about losing it or not having enough of it. Freedom is not about having enough money. Freedom is knowing that you can do without it; of course, to a reasonable degree. To learn how to accept fear, you have to develop more trust in your ability to handle whatever comes your way.

How to accept fear: Trusting yourself is key

Every time you feel afraid just remind yourself that it is simply because you are not feeling good enough about yourself. It’s often impossible to figure out what the actual causes of negative patterns of self-doubt are, and even if we did know, it doesn’t necessarily change them. If something is troubling you, start from where you are and take the necessary action to change it.

You already know that lack of trust in yourself is preventing you from leading a fulfilling life. Turn this knowledge into a laser-like focus on what needs to be changed. You don’t have to scatter your energy wondering what caused this self-doubt in the first place. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that you begin to develop a trust in yourself, until you reach the point where you can say: ‘Whatever happens to me, given any situation, I can handle it.’ Every day, the three most important words you can tell yourself are ‘I’ll handle it.’

Egg with scared face quivering under a spoon to represent an article on how to accept fear

The 5 truths about fear

To deepen our understanding of fear, let’s explore the 5 truths about fear. I first discovered the following fear truths in Susan Jeffers’ book, Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway. This is my interpretation of the 5 truths about fear:

1 – We cannot wait for the fear to go away

Most of us play the waiting game. When my fear of this or that goes away, then I will do this or that. Most of us grow up waiting for the fear to go away before we push through the fear and take the kind of risks necessary for us to grow.

The When/Then game simply doesn’t work. As long as we continue to push out into the world, as long as we continue to stretch our capabilities and take new risks, we will experience fear. ‘That’s a small consolation’, we might say on learning of this first truth. However, look at it this way: You can now save yourself the pain of trying to make the fear go away. This is actually quite liberating, because so much of our energy is spent hoping, wishing, and waiting for our fear to magically leave us. Understanding that the fear is here to stay, at least in the short to medium term, is already half the battle.

“We can’t forget that all the energy we spend fearing that we’ll make it worse is energy not spent making it better.”

– Ryan Holiday, author of Courage Is Calling: Fortune Favors The Brave

2 – The only way to get rid of the fear of doing something is to go out and do it

Undeniably, it will be difficult, but if we keep advancing despite fear, it gets easier and easier. What’s more, our self-esteem and confidence in ourselves is strengthened immeasurably. Part of the When/Then game I used to play is ‘When I feel better about myself, then I’ll do it,’ and ‘When the fear goes away, then I will do it.’ It’s obvious why this strategy doesn’t work. It certainly didn’t for me. This leads to our third truth about fear.

3 – The action comes before feeling better about it

Confidence is only born from doing the thing. Therefore, the action comes first. Then, with repetition and familiarity, we can begin to feel less afraid. We act despite our fears and then we begin to have more confidence in our own abilities and our self-esteem is enhanced.

Every time we push through our fears and expand our own comfort zones, we must give ourselves a pat on the back. Conquering our own fears, or at least acting despite our fears is much like motivation. You don’t really get motivated until you actually do something that you find difficult or uncomfortable. Then the motivation will come. A goal without a plan is simply wishful thinking. The same principle applies to fear. The fear subsides only after we actually do something that we are afraid to do.

This implies the need for acceptance. Mindfulness teacher and Zen Buddhist monk, Thich Nhat Hanh, has described the notion of inviting our fear to sit with us for a cup of tea. This is striking, because the imagery here is welcoming, friendly, and loving. Knowing that the action must come before feeling less afraid about it means that the fear is coming along for the ride. You might as well have a friendly relationship with your travel companion.

4 – Not only are we going to experience fear whenever we venture into unfamiliar territory, but so is everyone else

We may think that we are the only ones who experience fear, but we are not. We have the whole world to keep us company. But what about all those ‘successful’ people out there? We tend to think that they are the lucky ones—that they are not afraid. Wrong! They had to push through the fear to get where they are today, and most likely are still doing so.

Those who have successfully dealt with fear all their lives knew, either consciously or unconsciously, that in life we must feel the fear and do it anyway. In the past, unaware of these fear truths, we interpreted fear as a signal to withdraw instead of pushing forward. We played the When/Then game. All we have to do to escape our self-imposed prison is retrain our thinking. Knowing these truths about fear is just the first step.

To learn how to accept fear, we must first identify exactly where fear manifests itself in our lives. Write them down. Next to each item on your list of fears, write an action item and a date by which you will take the action. Start with small steps that are realistic for you to complete. Then, transfer your list of action items to your calendar and allow yourself to feel empowered that you’re taking positive action to slowly get accustomed to acting despite fear. Your fear is probably telling you not to do something. It wants you to play it safe. Defying this fear is often a clear path towards growth.

“They say not to take counsel of your fears, but perhaps that’s exactly what we should do. We should listen closely and then do the opposite.”

– Ryan Holiday, author of Courage Is Calling: Fortune Favors The Brave

5 – Pushing through fear is less frightening than living with the underlying fear that comes from a feeling of helplessness

No matter how ‘secure’ any of us feel in the little cocoon we have built for ourselves, we live with the fear that the day of reckoning will eventually come. The more helpless we feel, the more severe is the undercurrent of dread that comes with knowing there are situations in life over which we have no control. We find ourselves becoming obsessed about possible catastrophes. People who refuse to take risks live with a feeling of dread that is far more severe than what they would feel if they took the risks necessary to make them less helpless, only they don’t know it.

So as we have seen above, we have touched upon a critical insight: if everybody feels fear when approaching something totally new in life, yet so many people are out there ‘doing it’ despite the fear, then we must conclude that fear is not the problem. Obviously, the real issue has nothing to do with the fear itself, but how we hold the fear. This article is not titled ‘how to overcome fear’, because ‘how to accept fear’ is a more realistic approach to moving forward despite fear. For some, the fear is totally irrelevant. For others, it creates a state of paralysis. The former hold their fear from a position of power: choice, energy, and action, while the latter hold it from a position of pain: helplessness, depression, and paralysis. The secret in handling fear is to move yourself from a position of pain to a position of power.

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Acceptance is not resignation. The Stoic practice called The Art of Acquiescence teaches us to accept things that are beyond our control rather than fighting them. It is not, however, passive acceptance. It is not giving up.
— the mindful stoic (@themindfulstoic) January 30, 2024

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Mindfulness is always now. The reality of your life is always now and to realize this, and experience it, can be liberating.
— the mindful stoic (@themindfulstoic) January 26, 2024