How do we reconcile wanting to be compassionate and being too nice? By too nice, I mean placing the needs of others above your own to the point that your own are not met. Too nice also means getting taken advantage of. Being too nice opens the door to repeated insult, disrespect, and abuse, which can build up like plaque and proliferate over time.
When we fail to defend our needs repeatedly, we begin to feel resentful and angry with those who mistreat us, but also with ourselves. When we begin to lose respect for ourselves, we become ineffective in our efforts to make the world a better place. So, it’s clear that we need to be skillful at walking this tightrope of compassion, love, and understanding.
I believe that those who practice mindfulness, Buddhist, or Stoic philosophy are susceptible to being too nice to the point of self-harm. These practitioners learn to pause and reflect in the heat of the moment rather than letting raw emotions whip their reactions, which can lead them to taking the higher road rather than defending themselves. They learn to practice compassion, empathy, and understanding, which can lead to placing the needs of others over their own.
But, just as these compassion-based ways of living can tilt us towards being too nice, they also provide guidance for better balance. In this article, I’ll share what I feel are uncommon approaches to striking the crucial balance between compassion and being too nice. This article is intended for people who want to make the world a better place and reduce suffering in others.
How to stop being too nice
This article will not urge you to be less kind. Rather, it will focus on preventing or mitigating the negative side effects of ‘being too nice’. It will focus mostly on how not to be taken advantage of.
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Be the leader
Strong leaders command respect naturally. They don’t explicitly demand or enforce respect from others. They generate respect through consistent demonstration of virtuous actions. If you’re the kind of person others want to emulate, they will not want to take advantage of you. They will want to be included in whatever it is you’re doing. Be the leader in your home. Take the initiative at work. Embody your values. Above all, act with compassion, love, and understanding, and the behavior of those around you will gradually follow suit.
Always know your ‘why’ in any given situation or relationship
Define the ‘why’—the purpose—of major situations and relationships in your life. The ‘why’ of your relationship with your boss is to earn a living. The ‘why’ of your relationship to your significant other may be support, intimacy, or love. Knowing the purpose behind situations and relationships gives you guidance. It lets you choose your battles wisely.
You only need to stand up for yourself and protect your boundaries if the behavior of others prevents you from achieving your purpose. When appropriate, communicate this purpose with those closest to you. They should be aware that this is important to you and that you’re willing to protect it.
Another way to think about this with long-term or close relationships is to ask the question, ‘What am I trying to optimize for in this relationship?’ Are you trying to optimize for love? Are you trying to optimize for respect? Or are you trying to optimize for feeling validated and being ‘right’? Again, knowing the true essence of the relationship helps you choose whether or not you need to defend yourself.
Set boundaries
Most of the work required to set boundaries is introspective, because to set boundaries we must first gain a thorough understanding of ourselves. Without knowing our own needs, values, and purpose, we cannot set effective boundaries with others.
Don’t feel afraid, guilty, or selfish for setting boundaries. As mentioned before, if you can’t love yourself, then you can’t make a positive impact on the world. This is a lose-lose scenario. So, if setting boundaries and enforcing them with peaceful speech means the difference between you being strong enough to help yourself and others and you being totally ineffective, then please, stand up for yourself and set those boundaries.
For further reading, an excellent book on setting boundaries is Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself by Nedra Glover Tawwab.
How not to be too nice, aka how not to be taken advantage of
Set consequences
People must face consequences when they cross your boundaries. But, these consequences should not be wrapped up in hatred, anger, or resent. The skillful application of consequences should promote peace and reconciliation.
Rather than adding fuel to the fire by spitting harsh words or engaging in destructive actions, consider using removals or subtractions as consequences. Withdraw privileges or benefits that you normally provide to the guilty party. You could consider removing yourself from the situation entirely for a period. It’s important to communicate clearly to the other person why they’re facing consequences and for how long. More importantly, don’t let your consequences contradict your values. Don’t stoop to their level, resign yourself to passive-aggressiveness, or speak or act in destructive ways.
Always work from a place of love and understanding
Zen Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh taught that we must remember that in all interpersonal conflict the other person is suffering, too. They may be suffering from attachment, ignorance, or hatred. Work to help them overcome or alleviate the root causes of this suffering. Work to help them heal. Do this gently, without preaching or forcing. If we can alleviate suffering in others, from a place of love and understanding, then they can loosen their grip on hindrances in their own lives. Once they begin to see more clearly, they will be less likely to take advantage of your kindness. This requires a lot of effort, but in some cases, it is a more constructive alternative to engaging in gainless battles or walking away forever.
Lessen your attachment to your ego
Sometimes, what may feel like damaging insult, disrespect, or abuse, is really just criticism, nagging, or careless speech. With tight fists wrapped around the sense of self (or ego), the response to these minor grievances is one of automatic defense. This is the ego asserting itself as part of its endless quest for validation. If it’s not preventing you from achieving your ultimate purpose or breaching one of your boundaries, then, although the ego leads you to believe that you need to defend yourself, it may actually require nothing more than shrugging off and moving forward.
Related article: No Self In Buddhism & Science: Tame The Ego, Start Living
Final thoughts
Compassion for all beings includes yourself. Love yourself. If loving yourself means you need five hours a week to exercise, then stand up and protect those hours. If you cannot take care of yourself, then you cannot take care of others. Know your ultimate purpose in relationships and situations and understand your values and needs intimately.
With this knowledge, set reasonable boundaries and communicate them explicitly to others. Be prepared to enforce these boundaries and apply consequences to repeat offenders, but always do so with the ultimate aim of peace, understanding, and reconciliation.
Finally, remember that other people’s actions are entirely outside of your control. Your responses to their actions, however, are yours to mold and shape as you wish.
“You have power over your mind—not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.”
― Marcus Aurelius, Meditations
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